Here we are. Almost the end of 2011, and time for me to reflect on what the year has meant to me. In keeping with the post I created last year around this time, I thought I'd write another list of what I learned. The problem is, I discovered that some things I thought I learned last year proved to be untrue, or at least not always true. Perhaps I didn't really learn anything. More likely, I just thought I maybe knew something.
For someone like myself, who prefers dealing with certainties and absolutes, life can be very frustrating. Maybe that's why I like math so much. There's an answer, and usually a simple method for deriving it. I don't know if anything about life is ever really that certain, and it annoys me. Friends are confusing. Family is confusing. Life is confusing. And no matter how much I'd like to, none of them can be explained through scientific algorithms and mathematical equations. For each hypothesis, there's some person or event that doesn't fit, an outlier in the data that throws the whole study off. The only thing I do know with reasonable certainty is that, when it comes to life, I'm clueless.
That being said, I figured it still might be helpful for me to once again write a list of things I think I know. I'm sure by this time in 2012, some of the items on this list will be disproven. But I suppose that's life - no definites, no absolutes, no indisputable truths.
1. In 2010, I learned that cats are amazing pets. In 2011, I also learned that they are the most evil, spiteful creatures that God ever created - but they're still lovable.
2. Contradictory to what I thought I knew in 2010, the phrase "I love you" is meaningless. It's all too often spoken to fulfill a social convention, not because of true emotion, and....
3. The ones who say they love you are the ones most likely to hurt you.
4. I think life would be easier if I was a sociopath.
5. Once in a while, people just need to vent. They don't always expect others to solve their problems; they just need to know someone will listen to them.
6. I have more acquaintances than actual friends.
7. You can be surrounded by people, and still be very much alone.
8. You can't always expect validation from others.
9. In life, you only get one shot at real love. I missed mine.
10. When you're depressed, "happy thoughts" aren't enough, and people telling you to think happy thoughts makes you more depressed...and incredibly annoyed.
11. When a friend asks if you're "ok", it's sometimes easier just to say "yes" than try to explain what you're really feeling. Sometimes because you don't want to admit it, sometimes because you just don't want to bore them.
12. I don't think anyone truly knows who I am.
13. If it isn't broke, then I apparently haven't used it yet.
14. Holidays don't mean as much to me as they used to.
15. Discussions of politics and religion can form frienships, and can destroy them just as quickly.
16. God does love me, even though I'm sure I piss Him off.
17. Catholicism is more about control than faith.
18. The wagon gets farther and farther away each time you fall off it.
19. Countless interactions on social websites will never fill the void of loneliness.
20. I don't care as much as I used to about what people think of me. There's maybe only a handful of people whose opinion of me actually matters anymore. (I'm still not sure if that's a good or bad thing.)
21. Morality is more important than law, but since morality is subjective, it will never be a clear guide for society.
22. Convincing yourself you don't want something is easier than accepting that you probably never will have it.
Comparing this list to the one I wrote last year, it appears that the things I discovered in 2011 were more cynical. I could probably come up with a list of "happy thoughts", but like I said in my list, that would just annoy me. I'm not interested in writing a list about puppy dogs, rainbows, and candy canes if that's not what I'm feeling. If I'm anything, I'm honest. Maybe things will take a different direction next year. I hope so, because looking back, I'm not particularly impressed with the current one.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Not-So-Happy Holidays
Let's be honest. For single people, holidays sometimes suck. I'm not a buzzkill who doesn't appreciate a couple days off work, nor am I against spreading good cheer and peace. But when you're on your own, special days like Thanksgiving and Christmas just aren't as great.
You see, there's a certain part of the holidays that invokes a feeling of "family". I'm grateful that I do have family, but not in the traditional sense. I don't have a loving wife with whom I can wake up on those days and see her smile. I don't have children that I can watch as they eagerly barrel down the stairs, practically running each other over as they scramble toward the Christmas tree to open their presents from Santa, and subsequently argue about whose is the best. I don't have a family of my own with whom I can share Thanksgiving dinner, then curl up on the couch watching TV and drinking wine while the kids play on the floor. For single people, holidays can actually be a bit depressing.
I certainly don't begrudge others for their happiness. Having a family, from what I've seen and been told, is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world, and I'm glad that most people in my life have experienced it. But I'd be lying if I didn't say a part of me felt a little jealous. Hearing the fun things that parents are doing with their babies, watching families in toy stores as their little ones grab every possible item from the shelves, and look up with those loving, innocent eyes and sheepishly say 'please?', endless postcards with pictures of smiling husbands, wives, and children adorned in their cheeriest holiday apparel with 'Season's Greetings From the So-and-So Family' printed in bright gold lettering...it's all endearing, but also a bit painful. It's a beautiful time of year...and also a stern reminder of what is lacking in my life.
I joke repeatedly about never wanting to get married. I laugh about children being little spawns of Satan. But those who are close to me know it's a facade. I don't enjoy being alone.
It definitely hasn't been due to a lack of trying. I go out periodically - different bars, different clubs, different social events. I watch the human activity around me and try to find that particular woman who engages my attention. I smile, I talk, I joke....and I fail miserably. You see, I'm not exactly the suave, cool cat, lady killer. I don't try to be. (I've made the attempt before, and usually end up looking more ridiculous than I do acting like myself.) It's no big surprise to anyone that I'm a geek - and I don't hide it very well in social encounters.
The range of responses is varied. Some smile back, some maybe even talk for a few moments, but I can usually tell by the look on their face that they'd much rather be somewhere else - perhaps in a dentist chair getting a root canal. And then there are women who just laugh. Not a genuine laugh inspired by something funny that I said. It's more of a 'how-can-someone-like-you-possibly-think-you-have-a-shot-with-someone-like-me' laugh. I'm almost ashamed to admit that it's happened, though I'd be even more ashamed if I admitted to you just how many times it's happened. And then, after a night of rejection and disappoinment, I end up being the single loser who sits at the bar discussing current events with the bartenders, who are even less interested in talking to me but do so out of a job-related obligation and hoping that I'll tip them graciously. (I usually do tip them. I appreciate their willingness to take a few moments out of their busy evening to chat, even if it is against their will.) In the end, I come up empty, with nothing to show for my night's endeavors except a lighter wallet, and occasionally a killer hangover.
And then the holidays approach. A joyful time to be close to the ones you love. Yet for all my attempts at making a true human, emotional connection, the only face I see when I wake up is that of my cat Finnegan, and I sometimes think his affection for me is only contingent on the fact that I'm the person who feeds him. He's a cat. He'd likely be just as affectionate to anyone else who fills his food bowl.
My holidays aren't completely empty. We spend time together as a family at my father's house, laughing and sharing in the spirit of the season. But even then, for those who have a family of their own, I listen to them as they regale us all with stories of waking up that morning and having breakfast together, going to church together, and all the things they plan to do together afterwards. And I know that, at the end of the evening, I'm going to be alone again. (Maybe that's why I never want to leave when I'm invited to others' houses...but I digress.) I'm truly happy for them - but also a bit annoyed at hearing it over and over each year, and having no such tales of my own to share.
Every year when the holidays roll around, I'm reminded that I've failed yet again to find that special someone. My age chronometer has tacked on one more number, and I have nothing to show for it in regards to finding my own family. Each time, my hopes of discovering that joy and happiness diminish. I haven't given up completely, but I think I need to stop trying so hard. Doing so just disappoints and depresses me even more.
I've been told that everyone has someone who is meant for them. I don't really believe that. I believe there are men and women in this world who are not meant to experience that emotion - and I'm starting to think that I'm one of those people.
You see, there's a certain part of the holidays that invokes a feeling of "family". I'm grateful that I do have family, but not in the traditional sense. I don't have a loving wife with whom I can wake up on those days and see her smile. I don't have children that I can watch as they eagerly barrel down the stairs, practically running each other over as they scramble toward the Christmas tree to open their presents from Santa, and subsequently argue about whose is the best. I don't have a family of my own with whom I can share Thanksgiving dinner, then curl up on the couch watching TV and drinking wine while the kids play on the floor. For single people, holidays can actually be a bit depressing.
I certainly don't begrudge others for their happiness. Having a family, from what I've seen and been told, is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world, and I'm glad that most people in my life have experienced it. But I'd be lying if I didn't say a part of me felt a little jealous. Hearing the fun things that parents are doing with their babies, watching families in toy stores as their little ones grab every possible item from the shelves, and look up with those loving, innocent eyes and sheepishly say 'please?', endless postcards with pictures of smiling husbands, wives, and children adorned in their cheeriest holiday apparel with 'Season's Greetings From the So-and-So Family' printed in bright gold lettering...it's all endearing, but also a bit painful. It's a beautiful time of year...and also a stern reminder of what is lacking in my life.
I joke repeatedly about never wanting to get married. I laugh about children being little spawns of Satan. But those who are close to me know it's a facade. I don't enjoy being alone.
It definitely hasn't been due to a lack of trying. I go out periodically - different bars, different clubs, different social events. I watch the human activity around me and try to find that particular woman who engages my attention. I smile, I talk, I joke....and I fail miserably. You see, I'm not exactly the suave, cool cat, lady killer. I don't try to be. (I've made the attempt before, and usually end up looking more ridiculous than I do acting like myself.) It's no big surprise to anyone that I'm a geek - and I don't hide it very well in social encounters.
The range of responses is varied. Some smile back, some maybe even talk for a few moments, but I can usually tell by the look on their face that they'd much rather be somewhere else - perhaps in a dentist chair getting a root canal. And then there are women who just laugh. Not a genuine laugh inspired by something funny that I said. It's more of a 'how-can-someone-like-you-possibly-think-you-have-a-shot-with-someone-like-me' laugh. I'm almost ashamed to admit that it's happened, though I'd be even more ashamed if I admitted to you just how many times it's happened. And then, after a night of rejection and disappoinment, I end up being the single loser who sits at the bar discussing current events with the bartenders, who are even less interested in talking to me but do so out of a job-related obligation and hoping that I'll tip them graciously. (I usually do tip them. I appreciate their willingness to take a few moments out of their busy evening to chat, even if it is against their will.) In the end, I come up empty, with nothing to show for my night's endeavors except a lighter wallet, and occasionally a killer hangover.
And then the holidays approach. A joyful time to be close to the ones you love. Yet for all my attempts at making a true human, emotional connection, the only face I see when I wake up is that of my cat Finnegan, and I sometimes think his affection for me is only contingent on the fact that I'm the person who feeds him. He's a cat. He'd likely be just as affectionate to anyone else who fills his food bowl.
My holidays aren't completely empty. We spend time together as a family at my father's house, laughing and sharing in the spirit of the season. But even then, for those who have a family of their own, I listen to them as they regale us all with stories of waking up that morning and having breakfast together, going to church together, and all the things they plan to do together afterwards. And I know that, at the end of the evening, I'm going to be alone again. (Maybe that's why I never want to leave when I'm invited to others' houses...but I digress.) I'm truly happy for them - but also a bit annoyed at hearing it over and over each year, and having no such tales of my own to share.
Every year when the holidays roll around, I'm reminded that I've failed yet again to find that special someone. My age chronometer has tacked on one more number, and I have nothing to show for it in regards to finding my own family. Each time, my hopes of discovering that joy and happiness diminish. I haven't given up completely, but I think I need to stop trying so hard. Doing so just disappoints and depresses me even more.
I've been told that everyone has someone who is meant for them. I don't really believe that. I believe there are men and women in this world who are not meant to experience that emotion - and I'm starting to think that I'm one of those people.
Monday, September 12, 2011
What Is a Friend?
Life has been a bit complicated lately. I've been dealing with personal issues - some trivial, some pretty serious. It's nothing new for anyone; that's just how life is. I'm not sure you could really call it "life" if it didn't include some struggles (though I wish some of those struggles were a little less intense, or would just go away). I've had a lot of time to analyze myself, but more than just that, I've had time to analyze the people around me. I've looked at what my relationship with each of those persons really means. I've learned that friendship can't be clearly and adequately defined in a dictionary. There's so much more to it.
I'm a list person. I make a to-do list almost every day. I figured, rather than a long-winded essay about what friendship means to me, I'd write a list. Some may agree or disagree with my list, but it's what life has taught me. By typing this list, I'm also not suggesting that friends and family are mutually exclusive. This list applies to both...at least to real friends and real family.
1. Friends are there when you need them, but they're not psychic. You have to reach out to them.
2. Friends can accept that what might seem trivial to them can be a big deal to you, and they're willing to treat is as a big problem...because it matters to you.
3. When you have a friend, no problem is ever really just YOUR problem.
4. When you have a friend, no pain is ever really just YOUR pain.
5. Friends don't dismiss you.
6. When you're concerned about bothering someone, friends don't just say "you're not bothering me" - they actually mean it.
7. Friends know when, and when NOT, to make a joke.
8. Friends may not believe in your choices, but that doesn't mean they don't still believe in you.
9. Friends will help you when you want it, and they will force help on you when you need it.
10. Friends know that sometimes the best thing they can do for you is give you a swift kick in the butt.
11. Friends know when you're not being completely honest, no matter how good you are at hiding the truth from others.
12. Friends will do favors for you and expect nothing in return - but that makes you want to work that much harder to pay them back.
13. Friends are without pretense.
14. Friends understand you, and in the rare instances that they don't, they'll make the effort to try.
15. Friends know the importance of actions over words - friends don't always say "I love you" or "I care", but they make it apparent in what they do.
16. Friends want you to be happy, even if it might somehow conflict with what they want.
17. If someone is going to be your friend, you have to let them be your friend.
18. Friends can hurt you, but if the friendship means anything to either of you, you will find some way to work things out.
19. Friends may not always like some of your other friends, and you may not always like some of their friends. What matters is that YOU are still friends.
20. Friends will listen to you, even when it's something they don't want to hear.
21. Friends aren't afraid to tell you something YOU don't want to hear. (goes with #20)
22. Friends don't tolerate your eccentricities; they love you for them.
And perhaps even more importantly,
23. Friendship can't be a one-way relationship. For all that you receive, you have to be willing to give.
And with all that being said, I think I'll have a drink - and raise a small toast to all of those who are my friends.
I'm a list person. I make a to-do list almost every day. I figured, rather than a long-winded essay about what friendship means to me, I'd write a list. Some may agree or disagree with my list, but it's what life has taught me. By typing this list, I'm also not suggesting that friends and family are mutually exclusive. This list applies to both...at least to real friends and real family.
1. Friends are there when you need them, but they're not psychic. You have to reach out to them.
2. Friends can accept that what might seem trivial to them can be a big deal to you, and they're willing to treat is as a big problem...because it matters to you.
3. When you have a friend, no problem is ever really just YOUR problem.
4. When you have a friend, no pain is ever really just YOUR pain.
5. Friends don't dismiss you.
6. When you're concerned about bothering someone, friends don't just say "you're not bothering me" - they actually mean it.
7. Friends know when, and when NOT, to make a joke.
8. Friends may not believe in your choices, but that doesn't mean they don't still believe in you.
9. Friends will help you when you want it, and they will force help on you when you need it.
10. Friends know that sometimes the best thing they can do for you is give you a swift kick in the butt.
11. Friends know when you're not being completely honest, no matter how good you are at hiding the truth from others.
12. Friends will do favors for you and expect nothing in return - but that makes you want to work that much harder to pay them back.
13. Friends are without pretense.
14. Friends understand you, and in the rare instances that they don't, they'll make the effort to try.
15. Friends know the importance of actions over words - friends don't always say "I love you" or "I care", but they make it apparent in what they do.
16. Friends want you to be happy, even if it might somehow conflict with what they want.
17. If someone is going to be your friend, you have to let them be your friend.
18. Friends can hurt you, but if the friendship means anything to either of you, you will find some way to work things out.
19. Friends may not always like some of your other friends, and you may not always like some of their friends. What matters is that YOU are still friends.
20. Friends will listen to you, even when it's something they don't want to hear.
21. Friends aren't afraid to tell you something YOU don't want to hear. (goes with #20)
22. Friends don't tolerate your eccentricities; they love you for them.
And perhaps even more importantly,
23. Friendship can't be a one-way relationship. For all that you receive, you have to be willing to give.
And with all that being said, I think I'll have a drink - and raise a small toast to all of those who are my friends.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Dear God
Dear God,
It's been a long time since I've had a sincere conversation with You. I'm not sure where to begin. So much time has passed since we last spoke. While I'm sure You're quite aware of all that's been happening, I haven't taken much of that time to speak to You. I'm not even sure what to consider this - A prayer? A conversation? An affirmation? I'm not even sure if writing this will have any impact on You, considering the gravity of all Your other concerns, which far outweigh any of my thoughts or problems. All I know is that it's time we spoke again, and time for me to clear the air.
I've been angry at You. I've been angry at You for a very long time. My brother's death, my mother's death, my father's and grandmother's various illnesses, the bad luck that seems run rampant in my personal life off and on, watching the ones I care about suffer, and knowing that You have the power to make things right, but not actually doing it - they all have made me question You...made me doubt Your true intentions, not only for myself and my friends and family, but for humanity as a whole. I've wanted so badly for You to change something, to remind me again of why I believed in You so strongly as a child.
I've felt betrayed and abandoned by You. I cried out to you many nights alone, but heard nothing in return. I felt no reassurance that You were there listening. I asked, albeit arrogantly, for some proof that You were still with me, but felt no peace of mind.
I've been disappointed and hurt by Your unwillingness to reach out to me, despite the times I did find the courage within myself to ask for Your help. Though I never stopped believing You existed, I didn't trust You. I didn't believe that You would really help me if I needed it. Too many moments of pain and sadness blinded me to You. I didn't feel that there was anything You did that made a difference in my life. The only satisfaction I could find in life would have to come from me.
I blamed You. There are things in everyone's life that are out of their control. Things that just can't be changed no matter how hard they try. For all those things, I blamed You. And I didn't want to accept the graces You did give to me, because I knew in my heart that they wouldn't last. That something would take them away, or there would be strings attached. I blamed myself for most things too, and through that blame and self-doubt, I found even more reason to be angry with you. For putting things in my life You knew I couldn't control, and that You knew would hurt me and make me hate myself even more.
I convinced myself that, though you may have an influence in other people's lives, You weren't a part of mine. I convinced myself that I would pray to You to help others, but knew better than to ask You to help me. I convinced myself that I was better off just doing it on my own...and that I was better off without You.
For a long time, that mentality worked...until recently.
I can't blame you. I can't be angry at you anymore, even though it's a basic human emotion, and I've been told I have the right to be angry. I've been angry and hurt for too long. I've compartmentalized my emotions and feelings, and have started to recognize them for what they are - a distraction from the truth.
I've had even more time, in the darkest moments of my mental and emotional anguish and depression, when I cut myself off from the outside world, to realize that...it was never You. It was me. I was the one who doubted You. I was the one who abandoned You. I was the one who stopped listening to You. I was the one who disappointed You. I was the one who hurt You. All the times I thought You didn't care, it was really me who stopped caring - about myself.
You never did leave my side. You were always there - in a friend's kind words or gestures, in a family member's warm embrace. You were never gone. I just didn't want to see it. Or maybe I just couldn't see it.
I realized that there are people who care about me, people who do love me, even if I couldn't seem to love myself. And I realized, all that time, it was You. You made these friends who they are, and You brought them to me (or brought me to them) knowing that I would need them. And they carried out Your will. They helped me cope. They helped me understand. Ultimately, they helped me survive. Not just with my recent problems, but all this time. You put these few wonderful people in my life, because You loved me. I asked for Your help so many times, and You provided - through them. Through the greatest and simplest of gestures or deeds from others, in the greatest and smallest of words, You heard my cries, and you answered.
I've also realized another truth - I miss You. In youth, knowing and feeling Your presence in my life made me stronger. It made me more at peace, even when things were impossible. Since I've been away from Your grace, I've been searching endlessly for something that would fill the void. I've tried in vain to find something else to make me whole again. I'm surrounded by the love of friends and family, and they've made my life beautiful...but I can't really feel complete, because You're not there. I've turned my back on You - the One who was there from the moment of my birth. The pain in my soul at times is unbearable, and the only thing I can find that's causing it is Your absence. Not by Your choice, but my own.
I need You in my life again. I need to feel the happiness, security, and joy that I found in Your presence. I need to feel complete. I can't make it through this life alone, and I am filled with joy that You gave me the friends I need to make it through. But I need You too. I can no longer pretend that I'm better off without You. I know that's not true anymore - it never was true.
I guess my next step should be apologizing. You've given me good things, and I've attributed them all to blind luck or my own perseverance. But it was You helping me, and I never thanked you - at least not as much as I should have. I let my anger and disappointment with life's occasional pitfalls obscure my vision of You. You don't always stop bad things from happening, but You do provide the strength that is needed to endure. For all my blame, for all my anger and resentment, for all the doubt, and for all the hatred...I am sorry. Sorry that I ever turned away from You, and sorry that it has been so long.
I'm making the effort to come back to You. I know You've always wanted to be a part of my life again, and I haven't let You - but I need to. I can't guarantee that the transition will be instantaneous. I still have many thoughts and emotions that I must sort through. But I know that none of those are Your fault. If our friendship is going to be whole again, I have to take the first step. I have to let You back in. I have to believe that You're still with me, and that Your methods aren't always crystal clear. I have to look a bit harder for them. I want Your mercy and grace in my life again.
I've missed You so, and I can only hope that You can forgive my doubt, and hope that there's still room for me by Your side. I want to...no, I need to be in Your glory again. I'm coming back to You, my Savior, my Rock...if You'll have me.
See you Sunday,
Josh
It's been a long time since I've had a sincere conversation with You. I'm not sure where to begin. So much time has passed since we last spoke. While I'm sure You're quite aware of all that's been happening, I haven't taken much of that time to speak to You. I'm not even sure what to consider this - A prayer? A conversation? An affirmation? I'm not even sure if writing this will have any impact on You, considering the gravity of all Your other concerns, which far outweigh any of my thoughts or problems. All I know is that it's time we spoke again, and time for me to clear the air.
I've been angry at You. I've been angry at You for a very long time. My brother's death, my mother's death, my father's and grandmother's various illnesses, the bad luck that seems run rampant in my personal life off and on, watching the ones I care about suffer, and knowing that You have the power to make things right, but not actually doing it - they all have made me question You...made me doubt Your true intentions, not only for myself and my friends and family, but for humanity as a whole. I've wanted so badly for You to change something, to remind me again of why I believed in You so strongly as a child.
I've felt betrayed and abandoned by You. I cried out to you many nights alone, but heard nothing in return. I felt no reassurance that You were there listening. I asked, albeit arrogantly, for some proof that You were still with me, but felt no peace of mind.
I've been disappointed and hurt by Your unwillingness to reach out to me, despite the times I did find the courage within myself to ask for Your help. Though I never stopped believing You existed, I didn't trust You. I didn't believe that You would really help me if I needed it. Too many moments of pain and sadness blinded me to You. I didn't feel that there was anything You did that made a difference in my life. The only satisfaction I could find in life would have to come from me.
I blamed You. There are things in everyone's life that are out of their control. Things that just can't be changed no matter how hard they try. For all those things, I blamed You. And I didn't want to accept the graces You did give to me, because I knew in my heart that they wouldn't last. That something would take them away, or there would be strings attached. I blamed myself for most things too, and through that blame and self-doubt, I found even more reason to be angry with you. For putting things in my life You knew I couldn't control, and that You knew would hurt me and make me hate myself even more.
I convinced myself that, though you may have an influence in other people's lives, You weren't a part of mine. I convinced myself that I would pray to You to help others, but knew better than to ask You to help me. I convinced myself that I was better off just doing it on my own...and that I was better off without You.
For a long time, that mentality worked...until recently.
I can't blame you. I can't be angry at you anymore, even though it's a basic human emotion, and I've been told I have the right to be angry. I've been angry and hurt for too long. I've compartmentalized my emotions and feelings, and have started to recognize them for what they are - a distraction from the truth.
I've had even more time, in the darkest moments of my mental and emotional anguish and depression, when I cut myself off from the outside world, to realize that...it was never You. It was me. I was the one who doubted You. I was the one who abandoned You. I was the one who stopped listening to You. I was the one who disappointed You. I was the one who hurt You. All the times I thought You didn't care, it was really me who stopped caring - about myself.
You never did leave my side. You were always there - in a friend's kind words or gestures, in a family member's warm embrace. You were never gone. I just didn't want to see it. Or maybe I just couldn't see it.
I realized that there are people who care about me, people who do love me, even if I couldn't seem to love myself. And I realized, all that time, it was You. You made these friends who they are, and You brought them to me (or brought me to them) knowing that I would need them. And they carried out Your will. They helped me cope. They helped me understand. Ultimately, they helped me survive. Not just with my recent problems, but all this time. You put these few wonderful people in my life, because You loved me. I asked for Your help so many times, and You provided - through them. Through the greatest and simplest of gestures or deeds from others, in the greatest and smallest of words, You heard my cries, and you answered.
I've also realized another truth - I miss You. In youth, knowing and feeling Your presence in my life made me stronger. It made me more at peace, even when things were impossible. Since I've been away from Your grace, I've been searching endlessly for something that would fill the void. I've tried in vain to find something else to make me whole again. I'm surrounded by the love of friends and family, and they've made my life beautiful...but I can't really feel complete, because You're not there. I've turned my back on You - the One who was there from the moment of my birth. The pain in my soul at times is unbearable, and the only thing I can find that's causing it is Your absence. Not by Your choice, but my own.
I need You in my life again. I need to feel the happiness, security, and joy that I found in Your presence. I need to feel complete. I can't make it through this life alone, and I am filled with joy that You gave me the friends I need to make it through. But I need You too. I can no longer pretend that I'm better off without You. I know that's not true anymore - it never was true.
I guess my next step should be apologizing. You've given me good things, and I've attributed them all to blind luck or my own perseverance. But it was You helping me, and I never thanked you - at least not as much as I should have. I let my anger and disappointment with life's occasional pitfalls obscure my vision of You. You don't always stop bad things from happening, but You do provide the strength that is needed to endure. For all my blame, for all my anger and resentment, for all the doubt, and for all the hatred...I am sorry. Sorry that I ever turned away from You, and sorry that it has been so long.
I'm making the effort to come back to You. I know You've always wanted to be a part of my life again, and I haven't let You - but I need to. I can't guarantee that the transition will be instantaneous. I still have many thoughts and emotions that I must sort through. But I know that none of those are Your fault. If our friendship is going to be whole again, I have to take the first step. I have to let You back in. I have to believe that You're still with me, and that Your methods aren't always crystal clear. I have to look a bit harder for them. I want Your mercy and grace in my life again.
I've missed You so, and I can only hope that You can forgive my doubt, and hope that there's still room for me by Your side. I want to...no, I need to be in Your glory again. I'm coming back to You, my Savior, my Rock...if You'll have me.
See you Sunday,
Josh
Monday, August 22, 2011
Incomplete
Time once again to write. I've tried to verbally articulate what's going on with me, but it appears that writing is the only way I can express it properly. Even now, the words seem to be a jumbled mass, but my mind isn't in a very clear and concise state right now. This is what I have...
I've spent a lot of time over the last few days thinking about my life. What I'm doing, where I'm heading, who I am. I don't know what prompted it. Perhaps it's turning 31 and hitting a premature mid-life crisis. Usually, my thoughts are congruent and easy to organize, but this recent influx of emotion has left me depressed and uncertain about my future. I go through the daily motions - eat, sleep, work, take care of the cat, clean the apartment, do dishes, do the laundry, go grocery shopping, pay bills, watch movies...but it doesn't matter. I feel like nothing I do right now matters.
In truth, I feel empty. Incomplete. My existence seems meaningless when I put it into perspective. I don't feel the happiness and contentment I once did. I don't feel like I have a purpose
I've made changes in my life to try to cope with this feeling. I'm on medication for the issues I've had in the past, though I'm not sure anymore if that actually cures the problem or just dulls it. I didn't care for my last job, so I got a new one. I love what I do now, but it doesn't make me feel whole. I moved to a new apartment so I'd be closer to work and in a bigger city, but discovered that the intensity and "go go go" mentality of city life is more draining than satisfying. I started a new diet recently, but even the knowledge that I'll be healthier (and hopefully look a bit less like a slob) doesn't give me any comfort.
Once in a while, I go to friends' houses, where I have a great time, but almost feel depressed when I leave, because I'm going back home...to nothing. I'm sure many of my friends have wondered, "Is he ever going to leave?", but it's in those moments, surrounded by others, that I finally feel like I don't have to think about what's really going on inside my head and heart.
I don't know what's happening to me. I feel lost and don't really know what direction my life has. I have friends to whom I talk about what I'm dealing with, but I don't know that they really grasp how intense my feelings are.
Most of the time, I feel very alone. That's probably my fault. I tend to withdraw when my life gets complicated, not wanting to burden anyone else with my problems. Goodness knows that all my friends and family have their own issues to deal with. But what catches my attention is how "full" their lives seem. They have meaning. They have ambition. They have happiness. Perhaps it's not right, but seeing the joy that they have makes me feel even more alone.
I'm not sure what needs to happen or what I have to do to feel whole and feel alive. Maybe I need to change my medication, yet again. I've thought that maybe I need to find someone with whom I can start a life, but if I'm not happy with myself, who am I to think I could make anyone else happy? I just know that the way things are now isn't going to work.
I've spent a lot of time over the last few days thinking about my life. What I'm doing, where I'm heading, who I am. I don't know what prompted it. Perhaps it's turning 31 and hitting a premature mid-life crisis. Usually, my thoughts are congruent and easy to organize, but this recent influx of emotion has left me depressed and uncertain about my future. I go through the daily motions - eat, sleep, work, take care of the cat, clean the apartment, do dishes, do the laundry, go grocery shopping, pay bills, watch movies...but it doesn't matter. I feel like nothing I do right now matters.
In truth, I feel empty. Incomplete. My existence seems meaningless when I put it into perspective. I don't feel the happiness and contentment I once did. I don't feel like I have a purpose
I've made changes in my life to try to cope with this feeling. I'm on medication for the issues I've had in the past, though I'm not sure anymore if that actually cures the problem or just dulls it. I didn't care for my last job, so I got a new one. I love what I do now, but it doesn't make me feel whole. I moved to a new apartment so I'd be closer to work and in a bigger city, but discovered that the intensity and "go go go" mentality of city life is more draining than satisfying. I started a new diet recently, but even the knowledge that I'll be healthier (and hopefully look a bit less like a slob) doesn't give me any comfort.
Once in a while, I go to friends' houses, where I have a great time, but almost feel depressed when I leave, because I'm going back home...to nothing. I'm sure many of my friends have wondered, "Is he ever going to leave?", but it's in those moments, surrounded by others, that I finally feel like I don't have to think about what's really going on inside my head and heart.
I don't know what's happening to me. I feel lost and don't really know what direction my life has. I have friends to whom I talk about what I'm dealing with, but I don't know that they really grasp how intense my feelings are.
Most of the time, I feel very alone. That's probably my fault. I tend to withdraw when my life gets complicated, not wanting to burden anyone else with my problems. Goodness knows that all my friends and family have their own issues to deal with. But what catches my attention is how "full" their lives seem. They have meaning. They have ambition. They have happiness. Perhaps it's not right, but seeing the joy that they have makes me feel even more alone.
I'm not sure what needs to happen or what I have to do to feel whole and feel alive. Maybe I need to change my medication, yet again. I've thought that maybe I need to find someone with whom I can start a life, but if I'm not happy with myself, who am I to think I could make anyone else happy? I just know that the way things are now isn't going to work.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Hypocrite
While most of my blogs are usually in an essay or narrative format, I felt like taking a different approach this time. The typical structure just didn't seem to work.
We all know these people...
HYPOCRITE
You sit around and wonder why
The world just won't take your advice.
You got the cures to fix their lives,
But they don't hear your endless cries...
'Cause you're a hypocrite.
I've heard your rants, complaints, and groans.
A constant stream of hate, you moan.
They need to change that thing or this,
But there's something that you missed...
You're a hypocrite.
Talk out both sides of your face.
Hypocrite.
This is not the time or place
To be spouting all your rants.
Want me to listen - I just can't.
Think you've got it figured well.
But you're the one who's needing help.
Keep your bitching to yourself.
You make me sick, if you can't tell,
'Cause you're a hypocrite.
So you want to tell me now,
What to do, where, when and how.
That your ideas are all right,
I beg to differ, 'cause you might
Just be a hypocrite.
The real damn issue is not me.
It's just your inability
To take the time and look inside.
If you did then you would find...
You're a hypocrite
Telling me to change my ways.
Hypocrite
Your thoughts don't matter anyway.
You have no more room to talk,
If you just won't walk the walk.
If you insist on throwing stones
From the glass house that you own
One day you will end up alone,
And the fault is all your own.
'Cause you're a hypocrite.
Watch the world just go along,
Thinking that you're never wrong.
You tell me I should be ashamed,
But you yourself have done the same...
Hypocrite
Now it all seems much too clear.
Hypocrite
My deeds reflect just what you fear.
That you can't face the real you.
All the bad things that you do.
Instead of changing your own life.
You just point out what's wrong with mine.
You can't accuse me of a crime
You commit time after time.
(Hypocrite)
I'm so tired of this game.
Find someone else to take the blame.
You're in such a sorry state,
'Cause it's yourself you really hate.
The jabs and comments are a bore.
This is my own life; it's not yours.
I'm not the problem here, you see,
Don't pin your fucking shit on me.
HYPOCRITE!
We all know these people...
HYPOCRITE
You sit around and wonder why
The world just won't take your advice.
You got the cures to fix their lives,
But they don't hear your endless cries...
'Cause you're a hypocrite.
I've heard your rants, complaints, and groans.
A constant stream of hate, you moan.
They need to change that thing or this,
But there's something that you missed...
You're a hypocrite.
Talk out both sides of your face.
Hypocrite.
This is not the time or place
To be spouting all your rants.
Want me to listen - I just can't.
Think you've got it figured well.
But you're the one who's needing help.
Keep your bitching to yourself.
You make me sick, if you can't tell,
'Cause you're a hypocrite.
So you want to tell me now,
What to do, where, when and how.
That your ideas are all right,
I beg to differ, 'cause you might
Just be a hypocrite.
The real damn issue is not me.
It's just your inability
To take the time and look inside.
If you did then you would find...
You're a hypocrite
Telling me to change my ways.
Hypocrite
Your thoughts don't matter anyway.
You have no more room to talk,
If you just won't walk the walk.
If you insist on throwing stones
From the glass house that you own
One day you will end up alone,
And the fault is all your own.
'Cause you're a hypocrite.
Watch the world just go along,
Thinking that you're never wrong.
You tell me I should be ashamed,
But you yourself have done the same...
Hypocrite
Now it all seems much too clear.
Hypocrite
My deeds reflect just what you fear.
That you can't face the real you.
All the bad things that you do.
Instead of changing your own life.
You just point out what's wrong with mine.
You can't accuse me of a crime
You commit time after time.
(Hypocrite)
I'm so tired of this game.
Find someone else to take the blame.
You're in such a sorry state,
'Cause it's yourself you really hate.
The jabs and comments are a bore.
This is my own life; it's not yours.
I'm not the problem here, you see,
Don't pin your fucking shit on me.
HYPOCRITE!
Friday, July 15, 2011
It Ain't So Bad
Let's be honest. This week kind of sucked. No, not sucked. It was complete and utter BS. Yeah, that about says it. Here's a recap...
Monday I was by myself in customer service at work. Typically, I work with another individual in that department, and between the two of us, we stay relatively busy. Not 'beat-your-head-against-the-desk' busy, but busy enough. For the most part, we have decent customers - simple issues, easy solutions. There is only the occasional person that has a real serious problem and wants to be a hard-ass about it. You know the kind...no matter what solution you offer, it's not good enough. They just call to complain as much as they can to whomever they can, and try to get every last bit they can out of you until you're so frustrated you have to put them on hold before you launch into a tirade of vulgarities. Yeah, that kind. We don't have very many...until this week.
It seemed like every possible bad customer we had wanted to call on Monday. Actually, last Thursday through this Monday, since I was on my own all three of those days. Nothing but incessant bitching and whining, asking for impossible things, cursing unnecessarily (at least I thought so), and just being downright mean. Enough to make you want to kick a baby, as one of my friends puts it. Don't get me wrong; I do love my job. This is just that one part for which I don't care, and I had the brunt of it for three days. I really didn't even want to go in Monday knowing that I'd possibly have to deal with those people, and I was right in my assumption. And that was just the start of it...
Tuesday I called home to talk to my father, and found out that my grandmother was just taken to the hospital. Thankfully, it wasn't a long stay. Just overnight. Too much heat, and a touch of pneumonia, which is easy enough to take care of. But it still was a bit of a slam I wasn't expecting, and certainly didn't help my mood for the week. On to Wednesday...
My computer dies, at least my desktop. No 'goodbyes', no 'thanks for the memories'. It just ups and dies on me. Press the power button...nothing. And of course, it was the one night of the week that I was supposed to have a meeting with my friend/business partner on Skype. Texting him back and forth, he found a solution that worked...for about three minutes. The computer breathed life anew, then right as he tried to call on Skype, my computer just shut itself down, and again I couldn't turn it on. (I think I may have called it a 'hateful bitch' at some point. I can't really remember.) My friend then suggested it might be my motherboard, as did a couple of my tech-savvy co-workers. Oh goody! I am now the proud owner of a $3,000 PAPERWEIGHT!!!
But wait. There's more, yes indeed. Wednesday was a big ol' one-two punch, my dear readers! (I say 'dear' because I know not many are actually interested in my chatter, and I appreciate the few that are...) Anyways, what was I saying? Oh yes, the second punch. In the midst of working, I lost a computer file, a very important file, one on which I'd been working for several weeks. Just gone, like my desktop at home. I couldn't find it anywhere. I'd recently transferred files from my desktop to a company laptop, and apparently one of the files decided it got tired of being updated every day. So, weeks of work, mostly gone. I have bits and pieces of the information scattered in other files, but this was my magnum opus - the compilation of all my research. Needless to say, I was just a teeny bit miffed.
(I suppose there was a third punch with another personal issue - but one which I don't really care to share here.)
Thursday offered a little reprieve. Customer service calmed down over the last couple of days since my co-worker returned. Even better, my business partner completed the cover page to a comic on which we've been toiling for quite some time, and it turned out quite nicely! I felt like the day went much better than the previous ones...until I went to the gas station and saw that the engine light on my Escape had turned on. My vehicle was in the mechanic's shop twice already in the last four months, and incurred $1,700 of repair bills which I have yet to pay off. Now I had the prospect of tacking on even more to that outrageous credit card bill. Yay me!!
Sleeping on Thursday was impossible. I may have gotten two hours at best. The week's events tumbled around in my head over and over. Frustrated would be a mild term compared to what I felt. We've all been there. You know, when you just want to grab the first stranger you see on the street and beat the ever-loving shit out of him, for no good reason other than to release some of the pent up aggression and aggravation that has built up inside you? Ok, maybe that's just me, but I'm sure you all know how it feels. Thankfully I have friends who help keep my spirits up, but I was tired, and I was pissed. I woke up this morning (Friday) wondering what the heck else life would throw at me. Little did I know...
Today started like any other day - walk in, say good morning to the few co-workers who show up as early as I do, stick a bagel in the toaster oven, grab a soda from the company fridge, then sit at my desk and boot up...this time just waiting for something to go wrong. I opened my customer service e-mails hoping there weren't any more all-caps rants calling me 'incompetent' and 'stupid'. (Yes, I've been called those, and sometimes worse. Gotta love people!) But I wasn't ready for the e-mail I read...
A female customer was requesting a return. Simple process - issue the return number, fill out the e-mail template with the instructions, and click send. I'd done it a hundred times, and it didn't seem like a big deal...until I read on. Her husband had actually made the purchase a couple weeks ago, and intended to request the return himself. That is, until he died. The customer, now a widow, was trying to get the return taken care of because her husband hadn't gotten around to it. He'd had a heart attack last week, and he didn't survive.
I was dumbfounded. I stared at the screen for several moments, not knowing what to do. Like I said, I'd processed returns many times, but for those moments, I forgot how to do it. I stared at the computer screen, and even read the e-mail again, not sure if I'd read it correctly the first time. Part of me felt a bit uncomfortable. This woman was a complete stranger, and I'd suddenly become aware of a very personal and tragic detail of her life. Oh God. What do I do? Why did she even tell me that?
After I snapped out of my trance, in a move uncharacteristic of my normal routine, I actually called her to confirm receipt of the e-mail. I try to avoid direct personal contact as much as possible at work, for the simple fact that I don't want to deal with jerks. But I had to speak to this woman. She was very pleasant on the phone, and I explained that I received the e-mail and would be sending her the return instructions very shortly. Speaking to her, I thought about what my father went through when my mother passed away, and imagined how she must be feeling right now. I kept the discussion professional until the end when, before hanging up, I told her, "I'm so sorry." I just blurted it out without thinking. There was a brief pause, broken by a quiet and somewhat timid "Thank you". I worried that my offer of condolences may have upset her, but she soon followed with, "Have a good day." I couldn't answer - how do you tell a recently widowed woman to 'have a good day'? I hung up the phone and sat for a couple more minutes.
Why did I get that customer? And again, why did she feel the need to indulge such personal information?
I realized why...because I needed to hear it. As I told you earlier, this week sucked. One thing after another. This morning, I was ready to run head first into a brick wall. Could it get any worse?
Well, yeah...it could. I spent the rest of the day thinking about what happened during the week, and how I let it get to me so badly - and also about how I wanted to write about it on my blog. ;) Life is tough - no doubt about it. And this week stressed me out.
But I thought too about that woman, someone who had just lost the person with whom she'd swore to spend the rest of her life. I can't begin to grasp that concept. When I first moved into my apartment, there was a moment one evening when I though my cat had run away, and that was enough to send me into panic mode. (Of course I found the devil wandering around the apartment hallway upstairs...little bastard.) This poor woman has to deal with a lot more pain and stress than I felt then, and probably more than I've ever experienced. Her life has become much more difficult than mine is, and she has to deal with it alone, without the love of her life. (It's a big assumption that they were in a happy relationship, but I'll assume it, both for the sake of this blog and for what I'm trying to learn.)
What must it feel like to lose a spouse? I remember thinking that when my mother died, and now I'm thinking about it again. More importantly, is my life really that bad compared to what she's going through now? Granted, even now, I'm still a bit irritated at how this week has turned out, but that single e-mail and phone call really put it into perspective. The week was bad, but it wasn't that bad, and I'm sure whatever hardships I have to deal with in the near future aren't going to compare to those this woman will face. I'll be fine - I can't say the same for her with any certainty.
Once on an episode of Reba - yes, I'm a GUY who watches Reba...deal with it - the main character was serving dinner at a homeless shelter, and was feeling down because her family wasn't with her. They'd gone other places for the holidays. Then she thought about the people in the homeless shelter and how bad they really had it. One of the guests, the real Santa Claus (at least a guy who claimed to be the real Santa Claus), said: "There's always someone who has it worse than you. That doesn't mean that your pain doesn't count."
Maybe that's true, but I'm not counting my pain quite as much anymore.
Monday I was by myself in customer service at work. Typically, I work with another individual in that department, and between the two of us, we stay relatively busy. Not 'beat-your-head-against-the-desk' busy, but busy enough. For the most part, we have decent customers - simple issues, easy solutions. There is only the occasional person that has a real serious problem and wants to be a hard-ass about it. You know the kind...no matter what solution you offer, it's not good enough. They just call to complain as much as they can to whomever they can, and try to get every last bit they can out of you until you're so frustrated you have to put them on hold before you launch into a tirade of vulgarities. Yeah, that kind. We don't have very many...until this week.
It seemed like every possible bad customer we had wanted to call on Monday. Actually, last Thursday through this Monday, since I was on my own all three of those days. Nothing but incessant bitching and whining, asking for impossible things, cursing unnecessarily (at least I thought so), and just being downright mean. Enough to make you want to kick a baby, as one of my friends puts it. Don't get me wrong; I do love my job. This is just that one part for which I don't care, and I had the brunt of it for three days. I really didn't even want to go in Monday knowing that I'd possibly have to deal with those people, and I was right in my assumption. And that was just the start of it...
Tuesday I called home to talk to my father, and found out that my grandmother was just taken to the hospital. Thankfully, it wasn't a long stay. Just overnight. Too much heat, and a touch of pneumonia, which is easy enough to take care of. But it still was a bit of a slam I wasn't expecting, and certainly didn't help my mood for the week. On to Wednesday...
My computer dies, at least my desktop. No 'goodbyes', no 'thanks for the memories'. It just ups and dies on me. Press the power button...nothing. And of course, it was the one night of the week that I was supposed to have a meeting with my friend/business partner on Skype. Texting him back and forth, he found a solution that worked...for about three minutes. The computer breathed life anew, then right as he tried to call on Skype, my computer just shut itself down, and again I couldn't turn it on. (I think I may have called it a 'hateful bitch' at some point. I can't really remember.) My friend then suggested it might be my motherboard, as did a couple of my tech-savvy co-workers. Oh goody! I am now the proud owner of a $3,000 PAPERWEIGHT!!!
But wait. There's more, yes indeed. Wednesday was a big ol' one-two punch, my dear readers! (I say 'dear' because I know not many are actually interested in my chatter, and I appreciate the few that are...) Anyways, what was I saying? Oh yes, the second punch. In the midst of working, I lost a computer file, a very important file, one on which I'd been working for several weeks. Just gone, like my desktop at home. I couldn't find it anywhere. I'd recently transferred files from my desktop to a company laptop, and apparently one of the files decided it got tired of being updated every day. So, weeks of work, mostly gone. I have bits and pieces of the information scattered in other files, but this was my magnum opus - the compilation of all my research. Needless to say, I was just a teeny bit miffed.
(I suppose there was a third punch with another personal issue - but one which I don't really care to share here.)
Thursday offered a little reprieve. Customer service calmed down over the last couple of days since my co-worker returned. Even better, my business partner completed the cover page to a comic on which we've been toiling for quite some time, and it turned out quite nicely! I felt like the day went much better than the previous ones...until I went to the gas station and saw that the engine light on my Escape had turned on. My vehicle was in the mechanic's shop twice already in the last four months, and incurred $1,700 of repair bills which I have yet to pay off. Now I had the prospect of tacking on even more to that outrageous credit card bill. Yay me!!
Sleeping on Thursday was impossible. I may have gotten two hours at best. The week's events tumbled around in my head over and over. Frustrated would be a mild term compared to what I felt. We've all been there. You know, when you just want to grab the first stranger you see on the street and beat the ever-loving shit out of him, for no good reason other than to release some of the pent up aggression and aggravation that has built up inside you? Ok, maybe that's just me, but I'm sure you all know how it feels. Thankfully I have friends who help keep my spirits up, but I was tired, and I was pissed. I woke up this morning (Friday) wondering what the heck else life would throw at me. Little did I know...
Today started like any other day - walk in, say good morning to the few co-workers who show up as early as I do, stick a bagel in the toaster oven, grab a soda from the company fridge, then sit at my desk and boot up...this time just waiting for something to go wrong. I opened my customer service e-mails hoping there weren't any more all-caps rants calling me 'incompetent' and 'stupid'. (Yes, I've been called those, and sometimes worse. Gotta love people!) But I wasn't ready for the e-mail I read...
A female customer was requesting a return. Simple process - issue the return number, fill out the e-mail template with the instructions, and click send. I'd done it a hundred times, and it didn't seem like a big deal...until I read on. Her husband had actually made the purchase a couple weeks ago, and intended to request the return himself. That is, until he died. The customer, now a widow, was trying to get the return taken care of because her husband hadn't gotten around to it. He'd had a heart attack last week, and he didn't survive.
I was dumbfounded. I stared at the screen for several moments, not knowing what to do. Like I said, I'd processed returns many times, but for those moments, I forgot how to do it. I stared at the computer screen, and even read the e-mail again, not sure if I'd read it correctly the first time. Part of me felt a bit uncomfortable. This woman was a complete stranger, and I'd suddenly become aware of a very personal and tragic detail of her life. Oh God. What do I do? Why did she even tell me that?
After I snapped out of my trance, in a move uncharacteristic of my normal routine, I actually called her to confirm receipt of the e-mail. I try to avoid direct personal contact as much as possible at work, for the simple fact that I don't want to deal with jerks. But I had to speak to this woman. She was very pleasant on the phone, and I explained that I received the e-mail and would be sending her the return instructions very shortly. Speaking to her, I thought about what my father went through when my mother passed away, and imagined how she must be feeling right now. I kept the discussion professional until the end when, before hanging up, I told her, "I'm so sorry." I just blurted it out without thinking. There was a brief pause, broken by a quiet and somewhat timid "Thank you". I worried that my offer of condolences may have upset her, but she soon followed with, "Have a good day." I couldn't answer - how do you tell a recently widowed woman to 'have a good day'? I hung up the phone and sat for a couple more minutes.
Why did I get that customer? And again, why did she feel the need to indulge such personal information?
I realized why...because I needed to hear it. As I told you earlier, this week sucked. One thing after another. This morning, I was ready to run head first into a brick wall. Could it get any worse?
Well, yeah...it could. I spent the rest of the day thinking about what happened during the week, and how I let it get to me so badly - and also about how I wanted to write about it on my blog. ;) Life is tough - no doubt about it. And this week stressed me out.
But I thought too about that woman, someone who had just lost the person with whom she'd swore to spend the rest of her life. I can't begin to grasp that concept. When I first moved into my apartment, there was a moment one evening when I though my cat had run away, and that was enough to send me into panic mode. (Of course I found the devil wandering around the apartment hallway upstairs...little bastard.) This poor woman has to deal with a lot more pain and stress than I felt then, and probably more than I've ever experienced. Her life has become much more difficult than mine is, and she has to deal with it alone, without the love of her life. (It's a big assumption that they were in a happy relationship, but I'll assume it, both for the sake of this blog and for what I'm trying to learn.)
What must it feel like to lose a spouse? I remember thinking that when my mother died, and now I'm thinking about it again. More importantly, is my life really that bad compared to what she's going through now? Granted, even now, I'm still a bit irritated at how this week has turned out, but that single e-mail and phone call really put it into perspective. The week was bad, but it wasn't that bad, and I'm sure whatever hardships I have to deal with in the near future aren't going to compare to those this woman will face. I'll be fine - I can't say the same for her with any certainty.
Once on an episode of Reba - yes, I'm a GUY who watches Reba...deal with it - the main character was serving dinner at a homeless shelter, and was feeling down because her family wasn't with her. They'd gone other places for the holidays. Then she thought about the people in the homeless shelter and how bad they really had it. One of the guests, the real Santa Claus (at least a guy who claimed to be the real Santa Claus), said: "There's always someone who has it worse than you. That doesn't mean that your pain doesn't count."
Maybe that's true, but I'm not counting my pain quite as much anymore.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Crisis of Faith
It's been some time since I posted on this blog. Life has been good, but not really monumental enough to make me think so much, until now. I logged in this evening, believing that the words would flow forth like a stream. But sitting here now, I don't know where to begin. I usually don't have a hard time putting thoughts into words, but in moments like these, I'm terrible at it. I generally like to organize my thoughts before I post anything; it's just the perfectionist in me. But I'm confused this evening, and every attempt I make at planning out this post seems in vain. I guess all I can do is just type...
My uncle passed away this morning after a long battle with pulmonary fibrosis. It was horrible watching yet another family member slowly passing away, and knowing that there was nothing any of us could do to stop it. It seems like that has happened far too much in our family. Cousins, aunts, uncles, my mother...too many people who've had to deal with horrible illnesses. We've had family members whose passings have been sudden, and I wonder sometimes if they're better off. Not that I don't miss them; I miss all of them dearly, but I think the fact that they were spared from pain and suffering is a good thing. Yet with each of their deaths - both the sudden and prolonged - there's an inner struggle that gets harder each time.
We live in a world of terrible people: murderers, rapists, drug dealers, etc. Only a few minutes spent watching television or reading the paper reveals the horrible demons that exist in the minds of men and women. With so many disgusting people, I can't help but wonder: Why are good people made to suffer, and why do good people die? It's a question that parents try to explain to their children, as my father tried to explain to me when I was younger and anyone I cared about died, but I have yet to receive a definitive answer. I know it's an unlikely scenario that good people would live forever. The planet couldn't provide enough to support the human race if some people didn't die eventually. But why, with all the horrible people in the world, do those who live a good life have to die? That leads to another, perhaps more important problem.
How does one maintain his/her faith in such a world? When something like this happens, faith doesn't seem to provide the comfort it once did. Rather than comfort, I feel anger - anger that this supposedly benevolent Creator would allow good men and women to suffer so horribly. And after such a long struggle, their lives are snuffed out, like their fight didn't mean anything. It's not the first time I've questioned my faith. I've done so on several occasions, and I usually find my way back to it. But when I finally feel that I'm comfortable with trusting God, this happens, and my faith is once again shadowed by doubt.
People have tried to explain these things to me in different ways, and I dismiss each explanation. None of them seem good enough for me. Like I said before, I'm a perfectionist, and I like having answers. But I've tried over and over to make sense of suffering and good people dying, and have yet to find one explanation that makes perfect sense and is acceptable to me. I've heard from atheists and Catholics, the entire spectrum basically, and no one can give me the solace I need when a loved one dies. I learn to move on of course. I'm not the one who died, but I still don't have an answer. The worst part is probably that faith becomes more and more elusive each time our family has to go through this. It feels like my faith is hanging off a bridge, and I'm holding onto it with a rope. Once in a while, I lose my grip. I'm able to grab the rope just in time, but each time, there's less and less rope to hang on to. Eventually, I wonder if that rope will slip through my fingers, and I really will lose my faith completely.
I still want to believe, but it's just not as easy as it was. If God is truly benevolent, then I don't know how pain, suffering, and evil could exist. I've been told it's not my place to question His plan, but not questioning the unknown goes against my nature.
Maybe God doesn't exist, or if He does, maybe He just doesn't care as much as we want to believe.
My uncle passed away this morning after a long battle with pulmonary fibrosis. It was horrible watching yet another family member slowly passing away, and knowing that there was nothing any of us could do to stop it. It seems like that has happened far too much in our family. Cousins, aunts, uncles, my mother...too many people who've had to deal with horrible illnesses. We've had family members whose passings have been sudden, and I wonder sometimes if they're better off. Not that I don't miss them; I miss all of them dearly, but I think the fact that they were spared from pain and suffering is a good thing. Yet with each of their deaths - both the sudden and prolonged - there's an inner struggle that gets harder each time.
We live in a world of terrible people: murderers, rapists, drug dealers, etc. Only a few minutes spent watching television or reading the paper reveals the horrible demons that exist in the minds of men and women. With so many disgusting people, I can't help but wonder: Why are good people made to suffer, and why do good people die? It's a question that parents try to explain to their children, as my father tried to explain to me when I was younger and anyone I cared about died, but I have yet to receive a definitive answer. I know it's an unlikely scenario that good people would live forever. The planet couldn't provide enough to support the human race if some people didn't die eventually. But why, with all the horrible people in the world, do those who live a good life have to die? That leads to another, perhaps more important problem.
How does one maintain his/her faith in such a world? When something like this happens, faith doesn't seem to provide the comfort it once did. Rather than comfort, I feel anger - anger that this supposedly benevolent Creator would allow good men and women to suffer so horribly. And after such a long struggle, their lives are snuffed out, like their fight didn't mean anything. It's not the first time I've questioned my faith. I've done so on several occasions, and I usually find my way back to it. But when I finally feel that I'm comfortable with trusting God, this happens, and my faith is once again shadowed by doubt.
People have tried to explain these things to me in different ways, and I dismiss each explanation. None of them seem good enough for me. Like I said before, I'm a perfectionist, and I like having answers. But I've tried over and over to make sense of suffering and good people dying, and have yet to find one explanation that makes perfect sense and is acceptable to me. I've heard from atheists and Catholics, the entire spectrum basically, and no one can give me the solace I need when a loved one dies. I learn to move on of course. I'm not the one who died, but I still don't have an answer. The worst part is probably that faith becomes more and more elusive each time our family has to go through this. It feels like my faith is hanging off a bridge, and I'm holding onto it with a rope. Once in a while, I lose my grip. I'm able to grab the rope just in time, but each time, there's less and less rope to hang on to. Eventually, I wonder if that rope will slip through my fingers, and I really will lose my faith completely.
I still want to believe, but it's just not as easy as it was. If God is truly benevolent, then I don't know how pain, suffering, and evil could exist. I've been told it's not my place to question His plan, but not questioning the unknown goes against my nature.
Maybe God doesn't exist, or if He does, maybe He just doesn't care as much as we want to believe.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Class of 2010. Instructor: Life
Good grief. Two months since I made my last posting. I didn't realize it had been so long!! Time really does have a way of getting away from us. That was even more evident at 3:00 this morning, after just celebrating yet another New Year. For a moment last night, I thought, "Didn't we just do this??" Each passing year seems to move more quickly. A year was such a long time in my youth. Every 365-day countdown to my next birthday, Christmas, or New Year's was endless. The thought of "a whole 'nother year" was like climbing Mt. Everest. There was no way I could wait that long for anything! Now, at 30 years old, a year has become a brief moment. The time that seemed so unbelievably long in my childhood now exists much the same as an apparition - it's there, then it's gone, and you're left wondering if you ever really saw it at all.
Sitting here at my computer, I've been contemplating the vision that was 2010. So much to experience, in just the blink of an eye. Another chapter has been added to the story of my life, and a full one at that. Each year teaches us new lessons, but I can't say any other year has taught me as much as this one. I was listening to a friend's music show last night, and one of the members in the chat room posed the question: What did you learn in 2010? It was quite a loaded question, and while I provided a brief answer, I spent the rest of the show thinking about it and knowing that I couldn't possibly summarize 2010 in a simple, one-sentence response. Trying to do so would be like writing a one-page book report on War and Peace. (As a side note, I would NOT recommend reading that book.) Since I enjoy writing so much, I figured the best way for me to understand what happened this past year is to make a list. Not a list of actual events, mind you, but rather a list of what I learned.
1. People are who they are, and any attempt to change them is a worthless endeavor.
2. True friendships don't fulfill your wants; they fulfill your needs.
3. Proclaiming one's strengths takes far less courage than admitting one's weaknesses.
4. You can't set the expectations for your own life in terms of another person's life.
5. You'll never make everyone else happy, despite your greatest efforts.
6. It's okay to put yourself first.
7. Your job is never worth your health.
8. God DOES give you more than you can handle, but He also gives you friends to help carry the load.
9. Life really IS black and white. Dealing in "grays" is just a way to avoid searching for the real answer.
10. The only problem with humanity is humans.
11. Politicians are like professional sports players - overpaid and underperforming.
12. Others' actions are out of our control; our reactions are completely under our control.
13. Cats really are amazing pets.
14. I don't always like myself, but I do always love myself.
15. Telling someone you love them, or hearing them say they love you (even as just a friend), can sometimes be the best thing you or they will ever hear.
16. Forrest Gump's mother was perhaps the wisest woman that ever lived.
17. Self-respect is emotionally priceless. Self-loathing is emotionally expensive.
18. You're never really over the loss of a loved one until you actually tell them "goodbye".
19. Sometimes, you just need to shut up take your medication.
20. Yes, men do cry, and if it bothers someone - tough.
21. Movie critics are the worst people to listen to when deciding which movie to watch.
22. I.Q. is a pointless measurement. People with high I.Q's can be some of the most idiotic people on the planet.
23. "Just" one more never happens when you're an addict.
24. Chiropractors are the best doctors that have ever existed.
25. Sometimes the person you trust the most in your life will be the first one to betray you.
26. You should ALWAYS have a friend who is a mechanic.
And perhaps the most important:
27. I'm allowed to not be perfect.
Quite a list, wouldn't you say? Some of these may seem pretty obvious to anyone who chooses to read them, and perhaps they are, but I'm a stubborn man, and I think it took the events of 2010 to finally drill each one of them into my head. I hope that 2011 can teach me just as much, though I also hope it can do so a little less harshly.
Happy New Year!
Sitting here at my computer, I've been contemplating the vision that was 2010. So much to experience, in just the blink of an eye. Another chapter has been added to the story of my life, and a full one at that. Each year teaches us new lessons, but I can't say any other year has taught me as much as this one. I was listening to a friend's music show last night, and one of the members in the chat room posed the question: What did you learn in 2010? It was quite a loaded question, and while I provided a brief answer, I spent the rest of the show thinking about it and knowing that I couldn't possibly summarize 2010 in a simple, one-sentence response. Trying to do so would be like writing a one-page book report on War and Peace. (As a side note, I would NOT recommend reading that book.) Since I enjoy writing so much, I figured the best way for me to understand what happened this past year is to make a list. Not a list of actual events, mind you, but rather a list of what I learned.
1. People are who they are, and any attempt to change them is a worthless endeavor.
2. True friendships don't fulfill your wants; they fulfill your needs.
3. Proclaiming one's strengths takes far less courage than admitting one's weaknesses.
4. You can't set the expectations for your own life in terms of another person's life.
5. You'll never make everyone else happy, despite your greatest efforts.
6. It's okay to put yourself first.
7. Your job is never worth your health.
8. God DOES give you more than you can handle, but He also gives you friends to help carry the load.
9. Life really IS black and white. Dealing in "grays" is just a way to avoid searching for the real answer.
10. The only problem with humanity is humans.
11. Politicians are like professional sports players - overpaid and underperforming.
12. Others' actions are out of our control; our reactions are completely under our control.
13. Cats really are amazing pets.
14. I don't always like myself, but I do always love myself.
15. Telling someone you love them, or hearing them say they love you (even as just a friend), can sometimes be the best thing you or they will ever hear.
16. Forrest Gump's mother was perhaps the wisest woman that ever lived.
17. Self-respect is emotionally priceless. Self-loathing is emotionally expensive.
18. You're never really over the loss of a loved one until you actually tell them "goodbye".
19. Sometimes, you just need to shut up take your medication.
20. Yes, men do cry, and if it bothers someone - tough.
21. Movie critics are the worst people to listen to when deciding which movie to watch.
22. I.Q. is a pointless measurement. People with high I.Q's can be some of the most idiotic people on the planet.
23. "Just" one more never happens when you're an addict.
24. Chiropractors are the best doctors that have ever existed.
25. Sometimes the person you trust the most in your life will be the first one to betray you.
26. You should ALWAYS have a friend who is a mechanic.
And perhaps the most important:
27. I'm allowed to not be perfect.
Quite a list, wouldn't you say? Some of these may seem pretty obvious to anyone who chooses to read them, and perhaps they are, but I'm a stubborn man, and I think it took the events of 2010 to finally drill each one of them into my head. I hope that 2011 can teach me just as much, though I also hope it can do so a little less harshly.
Happy New Year!
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