Here we are. Almost the end of 2011, and time for me to reflect on what the year has meant to me. In keeping with the post I created last year around this time, I thought I'd write another list of what I learned. The problem is, I discovered that some things I thought I learned last year proved to be untrue, or at least not always true. Perhaps I didn't really learn anything. More likely, I just thought I maybe knew something.
For someone like myself, who prefers dealing with certainties and absolutes, life can be very frustrating. Maybe that's why I like math so much. There's an answer, and usually a simple method for deriving it. I don't know if anything about life is ever really that certain, and it annoys me. Friends are confusing. Family is confusing. Life is confusing. And no matter how much I'd like to, none of them can be explained through scientific algorithms and mathematical equations. For each hypothesis, there's some person or event that doesn't fit, an outlier in the data that throws the whole study off. The only thing I do know with reasonable certainty is that, when it comes to life, I'm clueless.
That being said, I figured it still might be helpful for me to once again write a list of things I think I know. I'm sure by this time in 2012, some of the items on this list will be disproven. But I suppose that's life - no definites, no absolutes, no indisputable truths.
1. In 2010, I learned that cats are amazing pets. In 2011, I also learned that they are the most evil, spiteful creatures that God ever created - but they're still lovable.
2. Contradictory to what I thought I knew in 2010, the phrase "I love you" is meaningless. It's all too often spoken to fulfill a social convention, not because of true emotion, and....
3. The ones who say they love you are the ones most likely to hurt you.
4. I think life would be easier if I was a sociopath.
5. Once in a while, people just need to vent. They don't always expect others to solve their problems; they just need to know someone will listen to them.
6. I have more acquaintances than actual friends.
7. You can be surrounded by people, and still be very much alone.
8. You can't always expect validation from others.
9. In life, you only get one shot at real love. I missed mine.
10. When you're depressed, "happy thoughts" aren't enough, and people telling you to think happy thoughts makes you more depressed...and incredibly annoyed.
11. When a friend asks if you're "ok", it's sometimes easier just to say "yes" than try to explain what you're really feeling. Sometimes because you don't want to admit it, sometimes because you just don't want to bore them.
12. I don't think anyone truly knows who I am.
13. If it isn't broke, then I apparently haven't used it yet.
14. Holidays don't mean as much to me as they used to.
15. Discussions of politics and religion can form frienships, and can destroy them just as quickly.
16. God does love me, even though I'm sure I piss Him off.
17. Catholicism is more about control than faith.
18. The wagon gets farther and farther away each time you fall off it.
19. Countless interactions on social websites will never fill the void of loneliness.
20. I don't care as much as I used to about what people think of me. There's maybe only a handful of people whose opinion of me actually matters anymore. (I'm still not sure if that's a good or bad thing.)
21. Morality is more important than law, but since morality is subjective, it will never be a clear guide for society.
22. Convincing yourself you don't want something is easier than accepting that you probably never will have it.
Comparing this list to the one I wrote last year, it appears that the things I discovered in 2011 were more cynical. I could probably come up with a list of "happy thoughts", but like I said in my list, that would just annoy me. I'm not interested in writing a list about puppy dogs, rainbows, and candy canes if that's not what I'm feeling. If I'm anything, I'm honest. Maybe things will take a different direction next year. I hope so, because looking back, I'm not particularly impressed with the current one.
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