Time once again to write. I've tried to verbally articulate what's going on with me, but it appears that writing is the only way I can express it properly. Even now, the words seem to be a jumbled mass, but my mind isn't in a very clear and concise state right now. This is what I have...
I've spent a lot of time over the last few days thinking about my life. What I'm doing, where I'm heading, who I am. I don't know what prompted it. Perhaps it's turning 31 and hitting a premature mid-life crisis. Usually, my thoughts are congruent and easy to organize, but this recent influx of emotion has left me depressed and uncertain about my future. I go through the daily motions - eat, sleep, work, take care of the cat, clean the apartment, do dishes, do the laundry, go grocery shopping, pay bills, watch movies...but it doesn't matter. I feel like nothing I do right now matters.
In truth, I feel empty. Incomplete. My existence seems meaningless when I put it into perspective. I don't feel the happiness and contentment I once did. I don't feel like I have a purpose
I've made changes in my life to try to cope with this feeling. I'm on medication for the issues I've had in the past, though I'm not sure anymore if that actually cures the problem or just dulls it. I didn't care for my last job, so I got a new one. I love what I do now, but it doesn't make me feel whole. I moved to a new apartment so I'd be closer to work and in a bigger city, but discovered that the intensity and "go go go" mentality of city life is more draining than satisfying. I started a new diet recently, but even the knowledge that I'll be healthier (and hopefully look a bit less like a slob) doesn't give me any comfort.
Once in a while, I go to friends' houses, where I have a great time, but almost feel depressed when I leave, because I'm going back home...to nothing. I'm sure many of my friends have wondered, "Is he ever going to leave?", but it's in those moments, surrounded by others, that I finally feel like I don't have to think about what's really going on inside my head and heart.
I don't know what's happening to me. I feel lost and don't really know what direction my life has. I have friends to whom I talk about what I'm dealing with, but I don't know that they really grasp how intense my feelings are.
Most of the time, I feel very alone. That's probably my fault. I tend to withdraw when my life gets complicated, not wanting to burden anyone else with my problems. Goodness knows that all my friends and family have their own issues to deal with. But what catches my attention is how "full" their lives seem. They have meaning. They have ambition. They have happiness. Perhaps it's not right, but seeing the joy that they have makes me feel even more alone.
I'm not sure what needs to happen or what I have to do to feel whole and feel alive. Maybe I need to change my medication, yet again. I've thought that maybe I need to find someone with whom I can start a life, but if I'm not happy with myself, who am I to think I could make anyone else happy? I just know that the way things are now isn't going to work.
