Dear God

Dear God,

It's been a long time since I've had a sincere conversation with You.  I'm not sure where to begin.  So much time has passed since we last spoke.  While I'm sure You're quite aware of all that's been happening, I haven't taken much of that time to speak to You.  I'm not even sure what to consider this - A prayer? A conversation? An affirmation? I'm not even sure if writing this will have any impact on You, considering the gravity of all Your other concerns, which far outweigh any of my thoughts or problems.  All I know is that it's time we spoke again, and time for me to clear the air.

I've been angry at You.  I've been angry at You for a very long time.  My brother's death, my mother's death, my father's and grandmother's various illnesses, the bad luck that seems run rampant in my personal life off and on, watching the ones I care about suffer, and knowing that You have the power to make things right, but not actually doing it  - they all have made me question You...made me doubt Your true intentions, not only for myself and my friends and family, but for humanity as a whole.  I've wanted so badly for You to change something, to remind me again of why I believed in You so strongly as a child.

I've felt betrayed and abandoned by You.  I cried out to you many nights alone, but heard nothing in return.  I felt no reassurance that You were there listening.  I asked, albeit arrogantly, for some proof that You were still with me, but felt no peace of mind.

I've been disappointed and hurt by Your unwillingness to reach out to me, despite the times I did find the courage within myself to ask for Your help.  Though I never stopped believing You existed, I didn't trust You.  I didn't believe that You would really help me if I needed it.  Too many moments of pain and sadness blinded me to You.  I didn't feel that there was anything You did that made a difference in my life.  The only satisfaction I could find in life would have to come from me.

I blamed You.  There are things in everyone's life that are out of their control.  Things that just can't be changed no matter how hard they try.  For all those things, I blamed You.  And I didn't want to accept the graces You did give to me, because I knew in my heart that they wouldn't last.  That something would take them away, or there would be strings attached.  I blamed myself for most things too, and through that blame and self-doubt, I found even more reason to be angry with you.  For putting things in my life You knew I couldn't control, and that You knew would hurt me and make me hate myself even more.

I convinced myself that, though you may have an influence in other people's lives, You weren't a part of mine.  I convinced myself that I would pray to You to help others, but knew better than to ask You to help me.  I convinced myself that I was better off just doing it on my own...and that I was better off without You.

For a long time, that mentality worked...until recently.

I can't blame you.  I can't be angry at you anymore, even though it's a basic human emotion, and I've been told I have the right to be angry.  I've been angry and hurt for too long.  I've compartmentalized my emotions and feelings, and have started to recognize them for what they are - a distraction from the truth.

I've had even more time, in the darkest moments of my mental and emotional anguish and depression, when I cut myself off from the outside world, to realize that...it was never You.  It was me.  I was the one who doubted You.  I was the one who abandoned You.  I was the one who stopped listening to You.  I was the one who disappointed You.  I was the one who hurt You.  All the times I thought You didn't care, it was really me who stopped caring - about myself.

You never did leave my side.  You were always there - in a friend's kind words or gestures, in a family member's warm embrace.  You were never gone.  I just didn't want to see it.  Or maybe I just couldn't see it.

I realized that there are people who care about me, people who do love me, even if I couldn't seem to love myself.  And I realized, all that time, it was You.  You made these friends who they are, and You brought them to me (or brought me to them) knowing that I would need them.  And they carried out Your will.  They helped me cope.  They helped me understand.  Ultimately, they helped me survive.  Not just with my recent problems, but all this time.  You put these few wonderful people in my life, because You loved me.  I asked for Your help so many times, and You provided - through them.  Through the greatest and simplest of gestures or deeds from others, in the greatest and smallest of words, You heard my cries, and you answered.

I've also realized another truth - I miss You.  In youth, knowing and feeling Your presence in my life made me stronger.  It made me more at peace, even when things were impossible.  Since I've been away from Your grace, I've been searching endlessly for something that would fill the void.  I've tried in vain to find something else to make me whole again.  I'm surrounded by the love of friends and family, and they've made my life beautiful...but I can't really feel complete, because You're not there.  I've turned my back on You - the One who was there from the moment of my birth.  The pain in my soul at times is unbearable, and the only thing I can find that's causing it is Your absence.  Not by Your choice, but my own.

I need You in my life again.  I need to feel the happiness, security, and joy that I found in Your presence.  I need to feel complete.  I can't make it through this life alone, and I am filled with joy that You gave me the friends I need to make it through.  But I need You too.  I can no longer pretend that I'm better off without You.  I know that's not true anymore - it never was true.

I guess my next step should be apologizing.  You've given me good things, and I've attributed them all to blind luck or my own perseverance.  But it was You helping me, and I never thanked you - at least not as much as I should have.  I let my anger and disappointment with life's occasional pitfalls obscure my vision of You.  You don't always stop bad things from happening, but You do provide the strength that is needed to endure.  For all my blame, for all my anger and resentment, for all the doubt, and for all the hatred...I am sorry.  Sorry that I ever turned away from You, and sorry that it has been so long.

I'm making the effort to come back to You.  I know You've always wanted to be a part of my life again, and I haven't let You - but I need to.  I can't guarantee that the transition will be instantaneous.  I still have many thoughts and emotions that I must sort through.  But I know that none of those are Your fault.  If our friendship is going to be whole again, I have to take the first step.  I have to let You back in.  I have to believe that You're still with me, and that Your methods aren't always crystal clear.  I have to look a bit harder for them.  I want Your mercy and grace in my life again.

I've missed You so, and I can only hope that You can forgive my doubt, and hope that there's still room for me by Your side.  I want to...no, I need to be in Your glory again.  I'm coming back to You, my Savior, my Rock...if You'll have me.

See you Sunday,

Josh