Another day begins, and I once again am trying to figure out where it will lead. In just the month and a half since I became unemployed, every day seems to be like this. Uncertainty and a little desperation are the prevailing emotions. When will I find work? Will I find work? When is that company going to call me back? Will they call me back? How long will this last? While having so much free time is a novelty that I should relish, I find more often that I am unsatisfied, and almost depressed, about my current situation, and I probably should be.
Unemployment, like almost anything, has its positives and negatives. There is a sense of freedom that comes with not adhering to rigorous, impossible deadlines and schedules. You don't have to fret about finishing that tremendous project that management invariably needs "yesterday", as the phrase goes. For those who were unhappy with their previous job, as I was, there's a feeling of relief once it's over. On some days, I also have the ability to just do nothing. While that certainly isn't a productive attitude, it is a luxury that, as working members of society, we are rarely afforded. On the days when I am productive, I do have much more time to focus on my schoolwork, as well as the great comic book and animation projects I've recently started with a friend. I can sleep in (though I rarely do), and I even have more time to work on this blog. The benefits, however, are becoming less enjoyable.
The first problem with unemployment is finances. I am able to collect unemployment benefits, but compared to my previous earnings, they are almost laughable. Unemployment compensation is only meant as a means of sustenance until one can secure work, but in establishing a new budget for myself, I wonder if that is even possible.
It takes nearly three weeks of payments just to cover my rent, leaving very little for utilities, personal expenses, insurance, and all the other odds and ends. Once all those are covered - barely - I can forget about any disposable income. The occasional luxuries I used to enjoy are now a distant memory. My indulgences in restaurants and movies are replaced with Ramen noodles and old DVD's that I've seen hundreds of times. The inability to do the things I enjoy only makes my situation worse. I could just as easily go to the park or read a book, but even those cheaper alternatives become mundane after a while. Even the cost of gasoline has to be considered, which further limits my options for any sort of travel. In the end, I can survive, but that's about it. But there are more than just finances that I have to deal with.
Another issue, perhaps a bigger one, is the emotional and mental effects that unemployment has on me. There is a constant feeling of lacking direction. I mentioned earlier that not having to adhere to tight schedules is a good thing, but in the short time of my unemployment, I'm finding that I miss it. When you work, you have a mission every day. If you accomplish nothing else in that day, you at least know that you worked. You can be proud of whatever you did that day, even if the rest of the day is spent lounging on the couch. With work comes a sense of satisfaction and purpose. My days lack that feeling, that drive that pushes me each day. Feeling that I have no direction has an adverse effect on the things I still can do. My thought processes at school suffer. I can't think as clearly when I'm trying to write, because my mind is preoccupied with the element that is now missing in my life. It's discouraging at its best, depressing at its worst, and there's more to it.
Finding a job, as a good friend recently told me, is like "winning the lottery." As such, my numerous applications, e-mails, and phone calls have been anything but successful. After so many attempts and subsequent failures, I begin to question my own ability. I used to be confident in what I did - accounting, for those who are wondering. I felt that I was good at it, and it was the right path for me. But in the last few weeks, having no offers, and only one interview (which failed), I'm starting to wonder if I really am that good.
The current economy is terrible, and there are hundreds, perhaps thousands of qualified people applying for the same jobs. It would be best for me to focus on that aspect of my situation; I should consider the economy's effects on unemployment instead of blaming my own ineptitude. I can't help but think, however, that I'm just not as good as I once believed. Despite the wealth of knowledge I have in my field, it just doesn't seem good enough anymore. Employers know what they want when they review applicants, and I'm seeing more and more that they just don't want me. I've been told repeatedly that the "right job" is out there, but knowing there are so many people out there better than me, I've started to doubt that I'll even be able to get that supposedly "right" job that's just for me. Being unemployed is a large blow to one's ego and confidence, and with each rejection, those parts of me are slowly dwindling.
Unemployment, for some, can be a blessing in disguise. Mothers or fathers who have children to occupy their time are grateful that they are able to cherish each moment of their lives. Other people who have the means to do so spend their time traveling and exploring the world. I have my own things to keep me busy, but in the end, I am more often feeling lost, discouraged, and unsure of what will happen.
In the movie Along Came a Spider, Morgan Freeman's character, Alex, tells his partner that "you do what you are". Right now, I do nothing. And sometimes I worry that, consequently, I am nothing.
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