Time once again to write. I've tried to verbally articulate what's going on with me, but it appears that writing is the only way I can express it properly. Even now, the words seem to be a jumbled mass, but my mind isn't in a very clear and concise state right now. This is what I have...
I've spent a lot of time over the last few days thinking about my life. What I'm doing, where I'm heading, who I am. I don't know what prompted it. Perhaps it's turning 31 and hitting a premature mid-life crisis. Usually, my thoughts are congruent and easy to organize, but this recent influx of emotion has left me depressed and uncertain about my future. I go through the daily motions - eat, sleep, work, take care of the cat, clean the apartment, do dishes, do the laundry, go grocery shopping, pay bills, watch movies...but it doesn't matter. I feel like nothing I do right now matters.
In truth, I feel empty. Incomplete. My existence seems meaningless when I put it into perspective. I don't feel the happiness and contentment I once did. I don't feel like I have a purpose
I've made changes in my life to try to cope with this feeling. I'm on medication for the issues I've had in the past, though I'm not sure anymore if that actually cures the problem or just dulls it. I didn't care for my last job, so I got a new one. I love what I do now, but it doesn't make me feel whole. I moved to a new apartment so I'd be closer to work and in a bigger city, but discovered that the intensity and "go go go" mentality of city life is more draining than satisfying. I started a new diet recently, but even the knowledge that I'll be healthier (and hopefully look a bit less like a slob) doesn't give me any comfort.
Once in a while, I go to friends' houses, where I have a great time, but almost feel depressed when I leave, because I'm going back home...to nothing. I'm sure many of my friends have wondered, "Is he ever going to leave?", but it's in those moments, surrounded by others, that I finally feel like I don't have to think about what's really going on inside my head and heart.
I don't know what's happening to me. I feel lost and don't really know what direction my life has. I have friends to whom I talk about what I'm dealing with, but I don't know that they really grasp how intense my feelings are.
Most of the time, I feel very alone. That's probably my fault. I tend to withdraw when my life gets complicated, not wanting to burden anyone else with my problems. Goodness knows that all my friends and family have their own issues to deal with. But what catches my attention is how "full" their lives seem. They have meaning. They have ambition. They have happiness. Perhaps it's not right, but seeing the joy that they have makes me feel even more alone.
I'm not sure what needs to happen or what I have to do to feel whole and feel alive. Maybe I need to change my medication, yet again. I've thought that maybe I need to find someone with whom I can start a life, but if I'm not happy with myself, who am I to think I could make anyone else happy? I just know that the way things are now isn't going to work.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Hypocrite
While most of my blogs are usually in an essay or narrative format, I felt like taking a different approach this time. The typical structure just didn't seem to work.
We all know these people...
HYPOCRITE
You sit around and wonder why
The world just won't take your advice.
You got the cures to fix their lives,
But they don't hear your endless cries...
'Cause you're a hypocrite.
I've heard your rants, complaints, and groans.
A constant stream of hate, you moan.
They need to change that thing or this,
But there's something that you missed...
You're a hypocrite.
Talk out both sides of your face.
Hypocrite.
This is not the time or place
To be spouting all your rants.
Want me to listen - I just can't.
Think you've got it figured well.
But you're the one who's needing help.
Keep your bitching to yourself.
You make me sick, if you can't tell,
'Cause you're a hypocrite.
So you want to tell me now,
What to do, where, when and how.
That your ideas are all right,
I beg to differ, 'cause you might
Just be a hypocrite.
The real damn issue is not me.
It's just your inability
To take the time and look inside.
If you did then you would find...
You're a hypocrite
Telling me to change my ways.
Hypocrite
Your thoughts don't matter anyway.
You have no more room to talk,
If you just won't walk the walk.
If you insist on throwing stones
From the glass house that you own
One day you will end up alone,
And the fault is all your own.
'Cause you're a hypocrite.
Watch the world just go along,
Thinking that you're never wrong.
You tell me I should be ashamed,
But you yourself have done the same...
Hypocrite
Now it all seems much too clear.
Hypocrite
My deeds reflect just what you fear.
That you can't face the real you.
All the bad things that you do.
Instead of changing your own life.
You just point out what's wrong with mine.
You can't accuse me of a crime
You commit time after time.
(Hypocrite)
I'm so tired of this game.
Find someone else to take the blame.
You're in such a sorry state,
'Cause it's yourself you really hate.
The jabs and comments are a bore.
This is my own life; it's not yours.
I'm not the problem here, you see,
Don't pin your fucking shit on me.
HYPOCRITE!
We all know these people...
HYPOCRITE
You sit around and wonder why
The world just won't take your advice.
You got the cures to fix their lives,
But they don't hear your endless cries...
'Cause you're a hypocrite.
I've heard your rants, complaints, and groans.
A constant stream of hate, you moan.
They need to change that thing or this,
But there's something that you missed...
You're a hypocrite.
Talk out both sides of your face.
Hypocrite.
This is not the time or place
To be spouting all your rants.
Want me to listen - I just can't.
Think you've got it figured well.
But you're the one who's needing help.
Keep your bitching to yourself.
You make me sick, if you can't tell,
'Cause you're a hypocrite.
So you want to tell me now,
What to do, where, when and how.
That your ideas are all right,
I beg to differ, 'cause you might
Just be a hypocrite.
The real damn issue is not me.
It's just your inability
To take the time and look inside.
If you did then you would find...
You're a hypocrite
Telling me to change my ways.
Hypocrite
Your thoughts don't matter anyway.
You have no more room to talk,
If you just won't walk the walk.
If you insist on throwing stones
From the glass house that you own
One day you will end up alone,
And the fault is all your own.
'Cause you're a hypocrite.
Watch the world just go along,
Thinking that you're never wrong.
You tell me I should be ashamed,
But you yourself have done the same...
Hypocrite
Now it all seems much too clear.
Hypocrite
My deeds reflect just what you fear.
That you can't face the real you.
All the bad things that you do.
Instead of changing your own life.
You just point out what's wrong with mine.
You can't accuse me of a crime
You commit time after time.
(Hypocrite)
I'm so tired of this game.
Find someone else to take the blame.
You're in such a sorry state,
'Cause it's yourself you really hate.
The jabs and comments are a bore.
This is my own life; it's not yours.
I'm not the problem here, you see,
Don't pin your fucking shit on me.
HYPOCRITE!
Friday, July 15, 2011
It Ain't So Bad
Let's be honest. This week kind of sucked. No, not sucked. It was complete and utter BS. Yeah, that about says it. Here's a recap...
Monday I was by myself in customer service at work. Typically, I work with another individual in that department, and between the two of us, we stay relatively busy. Not 'beat-your-head-against-the-desk' busy, but busy enough. For the most part, we have decent customers - simple issues, easy solutions. There is only the occasional person that has a real serious problem and wants to be a hard-ass about it. You know the kind...no matter what solution you offer, it's not good enough. They just call to complain as much as they can to whomever they can, and try to get every last bit they can out of you until you're so frustrated you have to put them on hold before you launch into a tirade of vulgarities. Yeah, that kind. We don't have very many...until this week.
It seemed like every possible bad customer we had wanted to call on Monday. Actually, last Thursday through this Monday, since I was on my own all three of those days. Nothing but incessant bitching and whining, asking for impossible things, cursing unnecessarily (at least I thought so), and just being downright mean. Enough to make you want to kick a baby, as one of my friends puts it. Don't get me wrong; I do love my job. This is just that one part for which I don't care, and I had the brunt of it for three days. I really didn't even want to go in Monday knowing that I'd possibly have to deal with those people, and I was right in my assumption. And that was just the start of it...
Tuesday I called home to talk to my father, and found out that my grandmother was just taken to the hospital. Thankfully, it wasn't a long stay. Just overnight. Too much heat, and a touch of pneumonia, which is easy enough to take care of. But it still was a bit of a slam I wasn't expecting, and certainly didn't help my mood for the week. On to Wednesday...
My computer dies, at least my desktop. No 'goodbyes', no 'thanks for the memories'. It just ups and dies on me. Press the power button...nothing. And of course, it was the one night of the week that I was supposed to have a meeting with my friend/business partner on Skype. Texting him back and forth, he found a solution that worked...for about three minutes. The computer breathed life anew, then right as he tried to call on Skype, my computer just shut itself down, and again I couldn't turn it on. (I think I may have called it a 'hateful bitch' at some point. I can't really remember.) My friend then suggested it might be my motherboard, as did a couple of my tech-savvy co-workers. Oh goody! I am now the proud owner of a $3,000 PAPERWEIGHT!!!
But wait. There's more, yes indeed. Wednesday was a big ol' one-two punch, my dear readers! (I say 'dear' because I know not many are actually interested in my chatter, and I appreciate the few that are...) Anyways, what was I saying? Oh yes, the second punch. In the midst of working, I lost a computer file, a very important file, one on which I'd been working for several weeks. Just gone, like my desktop at home. I couldn't find it anywhere. I'd recently transferred files from my desktop to a company laptop, and apparently one of the files decided it got tired of being updated every day. So, weeks of work, mostly gone. I have bits and pieces of the information scattered in other files, but this was my magnum opus - the compilation of all my research. Needless to say, I was just a teeny bit miffed.
(I suppose there was a third punch with another personal issue - but one which I don't really care to share here.)
Thursday offered a little reprieve. Customer service calmed down over the last couple of days since my co-worker returned. Even better, my business partner completed the cover page to a comic on which we've been toiling for quite some time, and it turned out quite nicely! I felt like the day went much better than the previous ones...until I went to the gas station and saw that the engine light on my Escape had turned on. My vehicle was in the mechanic's shop twice already in the last four months, and incurred $1,700 of repair bills which I have yet to pay off. Now I had the prospect of tacking on even more to that outrageous credit card bill. Yay me!!
Sleeping on Thursday was impossible. I may have gotten two hours at best. The week's events tumbled around in my head over and over. Frustrated would be a mild term compared to what I felt. We've all been there. You know, when you just want to grab the first stranger you see on the street and beat the ever-loving shit out of him, for no good reason other than to release some of the pent up aggression and aggravation that has built up inside you? Ok, maybe that's just me, but I'm sure you all know how it feels. Thankfully I have friends who help keep my spirits up, but I was tired, and I was pissed. I woke up this morning (Friday) wondering what the heck else life would throw at me. Little did I know...
Today started like any other day - walk in, say good morning to the few co-workers who show up as early as I do, stick a bagel in the toaster oven, grab a soda from the company fridge, then sit at my desk and boot up...this time just waiting for something to go wrong. I opened my customer service e-mails hoping there weren't any more all-caps rants calling me 'incompetent' and 'stupid'. (Yes, I've been called those, and sometimes worse. Gotta love people!) But I wasn't ready for the e-mail I read...
A female customer was requesting a return. Simple process - issue the return number, fill out the e-mail template with the instructions, and click send. I'd done it a hundred times, and it didn't seem like a big deal...until I read on. Her husband had actually made the purchase a couple weeks ago, and intended to request the return himself. That is, until he died. The customer, now a widow, was trying to get the return taken care of because her husband hadn't gotten around to it. He'd had a heart attack last week, and he didn't survive.
I was dumbfounded. I stared at the screen for several moments, not knowing what to do. Like I said, I'd processed returns many times, but for those moments, I forgot how to do it. I stared at the computer screen, and even read the e-mail again, not sure if I'd read it correctly the first time. Part of me felt a bit uncomfortable. This woman was a complete stranger, and I'd suddenly become aware of a very personal and tragic detail of her life. Oh God. What do I do? Why did she even tell me that?
After I snapped out of my trance, in a move uncharacteristic of my normal routine, I actually called her to confirm receipt of the e-mail. I try to avoid direct personal contact as much as possible at work, for the simple fact that I don't want to deal with jerks. But I had to speak to this woman. She was very pleasant on the phone, and I explained that I received the e-mail and would be sending her the return instructions very shortly. Speaking to her, I thought about what my father went through when my mother passed away, and imagined how she must be feeling right now. I kept the discussion professional until the end when, before hanging up, I told her, "I'm so sorry." I just blurted it out without thinking. There was a brief pause, broken by a quiet and somewhat timid "Thank you". I worried that my offer of condolences may have upset her, but she soon followed with, "Have a good day." I couldn't answer - how do you tell a recently widowed woman to 'have a good day'? I hung up the phone and sat for a couple more minutes.
Why did I get that customer? And again, why did she feel the need to indulge such personal information?
I realized why...because I needed to hear it. As I told you earlier, this week sucked. One thing after another. This morning, I was ready to run head first into a brick wall. Could it get any worse?
Well, yeah...it could. I spent the rest of the day thinking about what happened during the week, and how I let it get to me so badly - and also about how I wanted to write about it on my blog. ;) Life is tough - no doubt about it. And this week stressed me out.
But I thought too about that woman, someone who had just lost the person with whom she'd swore to spend the rest of her life. I can't begin to grasp that concept. When I first moved into my apartment, there was a moment one evening when I though my cat had run away, and that was enough to send me into panic mode. (Of course I found the devil wandering around the apartment hallway upstairs...little bastard.) This poor woman has to deal with a lot more pain and stress than I felt then, and probably more than I've ever experienced. Her life has become much more difficult than mine is, and she has to deal with it alone, without the love of her life. (It's a big assumption that they were in a happy relationship, but I'll assume it, both for the sake of this blog and for what I'm trying to learn.)
What must it feel like to lose a spouse? I remember thinking that when my mother died, and now I'm thinking about it again. More importantly, is my life really that bad compared to what she's going through now? Granted, even now, I'm still a bit irritated at how this week has turned out, but that single e-mail and phone call really put it into perspective. The week was bad, but it wasn't that bad, and I'm sure whatever hardships I have to deal with in the near future aren't going to compare to those this woman will face. I'll be fine - I can't say the same for her with any certainty.
Once on an episode of Reba - yes, I'm a GUY who watches Reba...deal with it - the main character was serving dinner at a homeless shelter, and was feeling down because her family wasn't with her. They'd gone other places for the holidays. Then she thought about the people in the homeless shelter and how bad they really had it. One of the guests, the real Santa Claus (at least a guy who claimed to be the real Santa Claus), said: "There's always someone who has it worse than you. That doesn't mean that your pain doesn't count."
Maybe that's true, but I'm not counting my pain quite as much anymore.
Monday I was by myself in customer service at work. Typically, I work with another individual in that department, and between the two of us, we stay relatively busy. Not 'beat-your-head-against-the-desk' busy, but busy enough. For the most part, we have decent customers - simple issues, easy solutions. There is only the occasional person that has a real serious problem and wants to be a hard-ass about it. You know the kind...no matter what solution you offer, it's not good enough. They just call to complain as much as they can to whomever they can, and try to get every last bit they can out of you until you're so frustrated you have to put them on hold before you launch into a tirade of vulgarities. Yeah, that kind. We don't have very many...until this week.
It seemed like every possible bad customer we had wanted to call on Monday. Actually, last Thursday through this Monday, since I was on my own all three of those days. Nothing but incessant bitching and whining, asking for impossible things, cursing unnecessarily (at least I thought so), and just being downright mean. Enough to make you want to kick a baby, as one of my friends puts it. Don't get me wrong; I do love my job. This is just that one part for which I don't care, and I had the brunt of it for three days. I really didn't even want to go in Monday knowing that I'd possibly have to deal with those people, and I was right in my assumption. And that was just the start of it...
Tuesday I called home to talk to my father, and found out that my grandmother was just taken to the hospital. Thankfully, it wasn't a long stay. Just overnight. Too much heat, and a touch of pneumonia, which is easy enough to take care of. But it still was a bit of a slam I wasn't expecting, and certainly didn't help my mood for the week. On to Wednesday...
My computer dies, at least my desktop. No 'goodbyes', no 'thanks for the memories'. It just ups and dies on me. Press the power button...nothing. And of course, it was the one night of the week that I was supposed to have a meeting with my friend/business partner on Skype. Texting him back and forth, he found a solution that worked...for about three minutes. The computer breathed life anew, then right as he tried to call on Skype, my computer just shut itself down, and again I couldn't turn it on. (I think I may have called it a 'hateful bitch' at some point. I can't really remember.) My friend then suggested it might be my motherboard, as did a couple of my tech-savvy co-workers. Oh goody! I am now the proud owner of a $3,000 PAPERWEIGHT!!!
But wait. There's more, yes indeed. Wednesday was a big ol' one-two punch, my dear readers! (I say 'dear' because I know not many are actually interested in my chatter, and I appreciate the few that are...) Anyways, what was I saying? Oh yes, the second punch. In the midst of working, I lost a computer file, a very important file, one on which I'd been working for several weeks. Just gone, like my desktop at home. I couldn't find it anywhere. I'd recently transferred files from my desktop to a company laptop, and apparently one of the files decided it got tired of being updated every day. So, weeks of work, mostly gone. I have bits and pieces of the information scattered in other files, but this was my magnum opus - the compilation of all my research. Needless to say, I was just a teeny bit miffed.
(I suppose there was a third punch with another personal issue - but one which I don't really care to share here.)
Thursday offered a little reprieve. Customer service calmed down over the last couple of days since my co-worker returned. Even better, my business partner completed the cover page to a comic on which we've been toiling for quite some time, and it turned out quite nicely! I felt like the day went much better than the previous ones...until I went to the gas station and saw that the engine light on my Escape had turned on. My vehicle was in the mechanic's shop twice already in the last four months, and incurred $1,700 of repair bills which I have yet to pay off. Now I had the prospect of tacking on even more to that outrageous credit card bill. Yay me!!
Sleeping on Thursday was impossible. I may have gotten two hours at best. The week's events tumbled around in my head over and over. Frustrated would be a mild term compared to what I felt. We've all been there. You know, when you just want to grab the first stranger you see on the street and beat the ever-loving shit out of him, for no good reason other than to release some of the pent up aggression and aggravation that has built up inside you? Ok, maybe that's just me, but I'm sure you all know how it feels. Thankfully I have friends who help keep my spirits up, but I was tired, and I was pissed. I woke up this morning (Friday) wondering what the heck else life would throw at me. Little did I know...
Today started like any other day - walk in, say good morning to the few co-workers who show up as early as I do, stick a bagel in the toaster oven, grab a soda from the company fridge, then sit at my desk and boot up...this time just waiting for something to go wrong. I opened my customer service e-mails hoping there weren't any more all-caps rants calling me 'incompetent' and 'stupid'. (Yes, I've been called those, and sometimes worse. Gotta love people!) But I wasn't ready for the e-mail I read...
A female customer was requesting a return. Simple process - issue the return number, fill out the e-mail template with the instructions, and click send. I'd done it a hundred times, and it didn't seem like a big deal...until I read on. Her husband had actually made the purchase a couple weeks ago, and intended to request the return himself. That is, until he died. The customer, now a widow, was trying to get the return taken care of because her husband hadn't gotten around to it. He'd had a heart attack last week, and he didn't survive.
I was dumbfounded. I stared at the screen for several moments, not knowing what to do. Like I said, I'd processed returns many times, but for those moments, I forgot how to do it. I stared at the computer screen, and even read the e-mail again, not sure if I'd read it correctly the first time. Part of me felt a bit uncomfortable. This woman was a complete stranger, and I'd suddenly become aware of a very personal and tragic detail of her life. Oh God. What do I do? Why did she even tell me that?
After I snapped out of my trance, in a move uncharacteristic of my normal routine, I actually called her to confirm receipt of the e-mail. I try to avoid direct personal contact as much as possible at work, for the simple fact that I don't want to deal with jerks. But I had to speak to this woman. She was very pleasant on the phone, and I explained that I received the e-mail and would be sending her the return instructions very shortly. Speaking to her, I thought about what my father went through when my mother passed away, and imagined how she must be feeling right now. I kept the discussion professional until the end when, before hanging up, I told her, "I'm so sorry." I just blurted it out without thinking. There was a brief pause, broken by a quiet and somewhat timid "Thank you". I worried that my offer of condolences may have upset her, but she soon followed with, "Have a good day." I couldn't answer - how do you tell a recently widowed woman to 'have a good day'? I hung up the phone and sat for a couple more minutes.
Why did I get that customer? And again, why did she feel the need to indulge such personal information?
I realized why...because I needed to hear it. As I told you earlier, this week sucked. One thing after another. This morning, I was ready to run head first into a brick wall. Could it get any worse?
Well, yeah...it could. I spent the rest of the day thinking about what happened during the week, and how I let it get to me so badly - and also about how I wanted to write about it on my blog. ;) Life is tough - no doubt about it. And this week stressed me out.
But I thought too about that woman, someone who had just lost the person with whom she'd swore to spend the rest of her life. I can't begin to grasp that concept. When I first moved into my apartment, there was a moment one evening when I though my cat had run away, and that was enough to send me into panic mode. (Of course I found the devil wandering around the apartment hallway upstairs...little bastard.) This poor woman has to deal with a lot more pain and stress than I felt then, and probably more than I've ever experienced. Her life has become much more difficult than mine is, and she has to deal with it alone, without the love of her life. (It's a big assumption that they were in a happy relationship, but I'll assume it, both for the sake of this blog and for what I'm trying to learn.)
What must it feel like to lose a spouse? I remember thinking that when my mother died, and now I'm thinking about it again. More importantly, is my life really that bad compared to what she's going through now? Granted, even now, I'm still a bit irritated at how this week has turned out, but that single e-mail and phone call really put it into perspective. The week was bad, but it wasn't that bad, and I'm sure whatever hardships I have to deal with in the near future aren't going to compare to those this woman will face. I'll be fine - I can't say the same for her with any certainty.
Once on an episode of Reba - yes, I'm a GUY who watches Reba...deal with it - the main character was serving dinner at a homeless shelter, and was feeling down because her family wasn't with her. They'd gone other places for the holidays. Then she thought about the people in the homeless shelter and how bad they really had it. One of the guests, the real Santa Claus (at least a guy who claimed to be the real Santa Claus), said: "There's always someone who has it worse than you. That doesn't mean that your pain doesn't count."
Maybe that's true, but I'm not counting my pain quite as much anymore.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Crisis of Faith
It's been some time since I posted on this blog. Life has been good, but not really monumental enough to make me think so much, until now. I logged in this evening, believing that the words would flow forth like a stream. But sitting here now, I don't know where to begin. I usually don't have a hard time putting thoughts into words, but in moments like these, I'm terrible at it. I generally like to organize my thoughts before I post anything; it's just the perfectionist in me. But I'm confused this evening, and every attempt I make at planning out this post seems in vain. I guess all I can do is just type...
My uncle passed away this morning after a long battle with pulmonary fibrosis. It was horrible watching yet another family member slowly passing away, and knowing that there was nothing any of us could do to stop it. It seems like that has happened far too much in our family. Cousins, aunts, uncles, my mother...too many people who've had to deal with horrible illnesses. We've had family members whose passings have been sudden, and I wonder sometimes if they're better off. Not that I don't miss them; I miss all of them dearly, but I think the fact that they were spared from pain and suffering is a good thing. Yet with each of their deaths - both the sudden and prolonged - there's an inner struggle that gets harder each time.
We live in a world of terrible people: murderers, rapists, drug dealers, etc. Only a few minutes spent watching television or reading the paper reveals the horrible demons that exist in the minds of men and women. With so many disgusting people, I can't help but wonder: Why are good people made to suffer, and why do good people die? It's a question that parents try to explain to their children, as my father tried to explain to me when I was younger and anyone I cared about died, but I have yet to receive a definitive answer. I know it's an unlikely scenario that good people would live forever. The planet couldn't provide enough to support the human race if some people didn't die eventually. But why, with all the horrible people in the world, do those who live a good life have to die? That leads to another, perhaps more important problem.
How does one maintain his/her faith in such a world? When something like this happens, faith doesn't seem to provide the comfort it once did. Rather than comfort, I feel anger - anger that this supposedly benevolent Creator would allow good men and women to suffer so horribly. And after such a long struggle, their lives are snuffed out, like their fight didn't mean anything. It's not the first time I've questioned my faith. I've done so on several occasions, and I usually find my way back to it. But when I finally feel that I'm comfortable with trusting God, this happens, and my faith is once again shadowed by doubt.
People have tried to explain these things to me in different ways, and I dismiss each explanation. None of them seem good enough for me. Like I said before, I'm a perfectionist, and I like having answers. But I've tried over and over to make sense of suffering and good people dying, and have yet to find one explanation that makes perfect sense and is acceptable to me. I've heard from atheists and Catholics, the entire spectrum basically, and no one can give me the solace I need when a loved one dies. I learn to move on of course. I'm not the one who died, but I still don't have an answer. The worst part is probably that faith becomes more and more elusive each time our family has to go through this. It feels like my faith is hanging off a bridge, and I'm holding onto it with a rope. Once in a while, I lose my grip. I'm able to grab the rope just in time, but each time, there's less and less rope to hang on to. Eventually, I wonder if that rope will slip through my fingers, and I really will lose my faith completely.
I still want to believe, but it's just not as easy as it was. If God is truly benevolent, then I don't know how pain, suffering, and evil could exist. I've been told it's not my place to question His plan, but not questioning the unknown goes against my nature.
Maybe God doesn't exist, or if He does, maybe He just doesn't care as much as we want to believe.
My uncle passed away this morning after a long battle with pulmonary fibrosis. It was horrible watching yet another family member slowly passing away, and knowing that there was nothing any of us could do to stop it. It seems like that has happened far too much in our family. Cousins, aunts, uncles, my mother...too many people who've had to deal with horrible illnesses. We've had family members whose passings have been sudden, and I wonder sometimes if they're better off. Not that I don't miss them; I miss all of them dearly, but I think the fact that they were spared from pain and suffering is a good thing. Yet with each of their deaths - both the sudden and prolonged - there's an inner struggle that gets harder each time.
We live in a world of terrible people: murderers, rapists, drug dealers, etc. Only a few minutes spent watching television or reading the paper reveals the horrible demons that exist in the minds of men and women. With so many disgusting people, I can't help but wonder: Why are good people made to suffer, and why do good people die? It's a question that parents try to explain to their children, as my father tried to explain to me when I was younger and anyone I cared about died, but I have yet to receive a definitive answer. I know it's an unlikely scenario that good people would live forever. The planet couldn't provide enough to support the human race if some people didn't die eventually. But why, with all the horrible people in the world, do those who live a good life have to die? That leads to another, perhaps more important problem.
How does one maintain his/her faith in such a world? When something like this happens, faith doesn't seem to provide the comfort it once did. Rather than comfort, I feel anger - anger that this supposedly benevolent Creator would allow good men and women to suffer so horribly. And after such a long struggle, their lives are snuffed out, like their fight didn't mean anything. It's not the first time I've questioned my faith. I've done so on several occasions, and I usually find my way back to it. But when I finally feel that I'm comfortable with trusting God, this happens, and my faith is once again shadowed by doubt.
People have tried to explain these things to me in different ways, and I dismiss each explanation. None of them seem good enough for me. Like I said before, I'm a perfectionist, and I like having answers. But I've tried over and over to make sense of suffering and good people dying, and have yet to find one explanation that makes perfect sense and is acceptable to me. I've heard from atheists and Catholics, the entire spectrum basically, and no one can give me the solace I need when a loved one dies. I learn to move on of course. I'm not the one who died, but I still don't have an answer. The worst part is probably that faith becomes more and more elusive each time our family has to go through this. It feels like my faith is hanging off a bridge, and I'm holding onto it with a rope. Once in a while, I lose my grip. I'm able to grab the rope just in time, but each time, there's less and less rope to hang on to. Eventually, I wonder if that rope will slip through my fingers, and I really will lose my faith completely.
I still want to believe, but it's just not as easy as it was. If God is truly benevolent, then I don't know how pain, suffering, and evil could exist. I've been told it's not my place to question His plan, but not questioning the unknown goes against my nature.
Maybe God doesn't exist, or if He does, maybe He just doesn't care as much as we want to believe.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Class of 2010. Instructor: Life
Good grief. Two months since I made my last posting. I didn't realize it had been so long!! Time really does have a way of getting away from us. That was even more evident at 3:00 this morning, after just celebrating yet another New Year. For a moment last night, I thought, "Didn't we just do this??" Each passing year seems to move more quickly. A year was such a long time in my youth. Every 365-day countdown to my next birthday, Christmas, or New Year's was endless. The thought of "a whole 'nother year" was like climbing Mt. Everest. There was no way I could wait that long for anything! Now, at 30 years old, a year has become a brief moment. The time that seemed so unbelievably long in my childhood now exists much the same as an apparition - it's there, then it's gone, and you're left wondering if you ever really saw it at all.
Sitting here at my computer, I've been contemplating the vision that was 2010. So much to experience, in just the blink of an eye. Another chapter has been added to the story of my life, and a full one at that. Each year teaches us new lessons, but I can't say any other year has taught me as much as this one. I was listening to a friend's music show last night, and one of the members in the chat room posed the question: What did you learn in 2010? It was quite a loaded question, and while I provided a brief answer, I spent the rest of the show thinking about it and knowing that I couldn't possibly summarize 2010 in a simple, one-sentence response. Trying to do so would be like writing a one-page book report on War and Peace. (As a side note, I would NOT recommend reading that book.) Since I enjoy writing so much, I figured the best way for me to understand what happened this past year is to make a list. Not a list of actual events, mind you, but rather a list of what I learned.
1. People are who they are, and any attempt to change them is a worthless endeavor.
2. True friendships don't fulfill your wants; they fulfill your needs.
3. Proclaiming one's strengths takes far less courage than admitting one's weaknesses.
4. You can't set the expectations for your own life in terms of another person's life.
5. You'll never make everyone else happy, despite your greatest efforts.
6. It's okay to put yourself first.
7. Your job is never worth your health.
8. God DOES give you more than you can handle, but He also gives you friends to help carry the load.
9. Life really IS black and white. Dealing in "grays" is just a way to avoid searching for the real answer.
10. The only problem with humanity is humans.
11. Politicians are like professional sports players - overpaid and underperforming.
12. Others' actions are out of our control; our reactions are completely under our control.
13. Cats really are amazing pets.
14. I don't always like myself, but I do always love myself.
15. Telling someone you love them, or hearing them say they love you (even as just a friend), can sometimes be the best thing you or they will ever hear.
16. Forrest Gump's mother was perhaps the wisest woman that ever lived.
17. Self-respect is emotionally priceless. Self-loathing is emotionally expensive.
18. You're never really over the loss of a loved one until you actually tell them "goodbye".
19. Sometimes, you just need to shut up take your medication.
20. Yes, men do cry, and if it bothers someone - tough.
21. Movie critics are the worst people to listen to when deciding which movie to watch.
22. I.Q. is a pointless measurement. People with high I.Q's can be some of the most idiotic people on the planet.
23. "Just" one more never happens when you're an addict.
24. Chiropractors are the best doctors that have ever existed.
25. Sometimes the person you trust the most in your life will be the first one to betray you.
26. You should ALWAYS have a friend who is a mechanic.
And perhaps the most important:
27. I'm allowed to not be perfect.
Quite a list, wouldn't you say? Some of these may seem pretty obvious to anyone who chooses to read them, and perhaps they are, but I'm a stubborn man, and I think it took the events of 2010 to finally drill each one of them into my head. I hope that 2011 can teach me just as much, though I also hope it can do so a little less harshly.
Happy New Year!
Sitting here at my computer, I've been contemplating the vision that was 2010. So much to experience, in just the blink of an eye. Another chapter has been added to the story of my life, and a full one at that. Each year teaches us new lessons, but I can't say any other year has taught me as much as this one. I was listening to a friend's music show last night, and one of the members in the chat room posed the question: What did you learn in 2010? It was quite a loaded question, and while I provided a brief answer, I spent the rest of the show thinking about it and knowing that I couldn't possibly summarize 2010 in a simple, one-sentence response. Trying to do so would be like writing a one-page book report on War and Peace. (As a side note, I would NOT recommend reading that book.) Since I enjoy writing so much, I figured the best way for me to understand what happened this past year is to make a list. Not a list of actual events, mind you, but rather a list of what I learned.
1. People are who they are, and any attempt to change them is a worthless endeavor.
2. True friendships don't fulfill your wants; they fulfill your needs.
3. Proclaiming one's strengths takes far less courage than admitting one's weaknesses.
4. You can't set the expectations for your own life in terms of another person's life.
5. You'll never make everyone else happy, despite your greatest efforts.
6. It's okay to put yourself first.
7. Your job is never worth your health.
8. God DOES give you more than you can handle, but He also gives you friends to help carry the load.
9. Life really IS black and white. Dealing in "grays" is just a way to avoid searching for the real answer.
10. The only problem with humanity is humans.
11. Politicians are like professional sports players - overpaid and underperforming.
12. Others' actions are out of our control; our reactions are completely under our control.
13. Cats really are amazing pets.
14. I don't always like myself, but I do always love myself.
15. Telling someone you love them, or hearing them say they love you (even as just a friend), can sometimes be the best thing you or they will ever hear.
16. Forrest Gump's mother was perhaps the wisest woman that ever lived.
17. Self-respect is emotionally priceless. Self-loathing is emotionally expensive.
18. You're never really over the loss of a loved one until you actually tell them "goodbye".
19. Sometimes, you just need to shut up take your medication.
20. Yes, men do cry, and if it bothers someone - tough.
21. Movie critics are the worst people to listen to when deciding which movie to watch.
22. I.Q. is a pointless measurement. People with high I.Q's can be some of the most idiotic people on the planet.
23. "Just" one more never happens when you're an addict.
24. Chiropractors are the best doctors that have ever existed.
25. Sometimes the person you trust the most in your life will be the first one to betray you.
26. You should ALWAYS have a friend who is a mechanic.
And perhaps the most important:
27. I'm allowed to not be perfect.
Quite a list, wouldn't you say? Some of these may seem pretty obvious to anyone who chooses to read them, and perhaps they are, but I'm a stubborn man, and I think it took the events of 2010 to finally drill each one of them into my head. I hope that 2011 can teach me just as much, though I also hope it can do so a little less harshly.
Happy New Year!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
A Brief Shining Moment
Before a star collapses, it swells up to several times its normal size, then in a massive explosion, it's reduced to a black hole, devoid of all matter and light. That's kind of how I felt yesterday.
For the last two weeks, I've been working. It was a great feeling; being back in the workforce made me feel alive again. It was through a temp agency, but I was told that the position had the opportunity to grow into a full-time position. Finally, after weeks of searching and countless resume submissions, I thought I'd found the right job.
The people were amazing. Though I'd only just started, everyone there treated me like I'd been there for years. All of them were pleasant and willing to help me out as I struggled through the training process. The work itself was even better; I was finally doing exactly what I liked - accounting. While some people find numbers and reports mind-numbing and tedious, I love them. It's what I'm good at. The last two weeks lifted my spirits more than they had been for a long time. But alas, it wasn't meant to be.
Late in the morning yesterday, I was approached by the accounting manager who informed me that, instead of hiring me, they were going to do an internal transfer. The individual they'd chosen, not surprisingly, had a degree. I won't lie; I was devastated. Here I was on cloud nine, feeling that everything was getting back to normal. But the cloud dissipated, and I fell back to earth - hard. I struggled to maintain my composure as she explained the situation to me, but the only thing going through my mind at that moment was "damn you". How could this have happened? I worked so hard the last two weeks, and learned every task they taught me. Even the woman who trained me told me again and again how well I was doing. Foolishly, I'd convinced myself that I had the job. To realize in that instant that it was all for naught was very upsetting.
The drive home last night was somber. I fought to keep my mind on the road as I weaved in and out through the incessant waves of traffic. I wondered what I'd done wrong. They saw everything of which I was capable, and still decided not to hire me. What was wrong with me? I hated to think that I wasn't good enough. I started having the self-doubts that I fought against so hard when I first lost my job. It's amazing how quickly a person regresses to their old habits when something bad happens. Kind of like trying to quit smoking...
My feelings then turned to anger. I was furious at this company for putting through so much. Two weeks I spent laboring at their facility, trying desperately to prove myself to them in the hopes that they'd want to hire me. Looking back, I could've spent those two weeks searching for a job that actually went somewhere. Before I took the position, there was another job opening in another town for which I was waiting for a call back from the temp agency. They'd already sent my resume. But when this opportunity came up, I jumped on it. I couldn't help but wonder what might have happened if I took that job instead. I guess I'll never know the answer to that question, because that job is no longer available.
Then there's the unemployment issue. After working for two weeks, my benefits are suspended. Going through the hassle of applying once was bad enough; now I have to do it again. And even worse, I have to wait the standard two-week period before I can get benefits again. On top of the mental and emotional blow of not getting the job, I now had financial concerns to worry about. Of course, I always worry about that, especially on such a small income afforded by unemployment, but now I have to plan ahead to survive through that period again.
I vented my frustrations on Facebook for a while, and even punched a couple walls in my apartment, leaving a bit of a dent in one of them. (Nice, there goes part of my security deposit.) I felt useless again, like I was once again a statistic and could make no contribution with my life. It may sound extreme, but those who've been through unemployment know what I mean. I have to work if I'm going to feel whole, whether it's for a company or for myself. The novelty of being home all day by myself has worn off fast. Some days I just leave the house and walk for hours, just so I don't have to sit there pondering about the uncertainty of my future. For a while last evening, I hated my life, and I hated myself. My brief shining moment had ended, and I was back at square one.
But after several hours of venting, cursing, and feeling hateful and rejected, something changed. I don't know if it was the pills I'm on, or the good advice of my friends on Facebook and texting me on my phone, but I realized that this is just another learning experience. It's a difficult one, to say the least, but sometimes necessary. I can't always have everything I want. No one goes through their entire life constantly winning. I have to lose once in a while, no matter how hard or painful it might be.
I also know that just because it was a good job for me, it doesn't mean it was the best job for me. Maybe God had to give me a little taste of what's out there, not so I could start working right away, but to renew my search and assure me that I'm on the right track. I do still like accounting, and after this two-week refresher, I'm even more certain of it, and I'm convinced to try even harder to find the right place for me - if it's even possible to try harder; I've been a resume-sending machine!
I'm not really sure if anything in life goes 100% as planned. Bumps and hiccups, setbacks and disappointments, failures and frustrations - they're all a part of life. But as I've been told by countless people, it's how we deal with those situations that makes us who we are. I'm still figuring that out as well, but I do know what I'm not - I'm not a quitter. I'm not going to be a victim of circumstance and believe that my life is decided by the events around me. If I want to be happy, only I can make it happen, and sitting on my backside lamenting over the disappointments in my life just won't get it done. I'm better than that. I'm stronger than that.
Ok, time to start applying for jobs again. Either that or write my next English paper. Nah, looking for a job is still more fun than that.
For the last two weeks, I've been working. It was a great feeling; being back in the workforce made me feel alive again. It was through a temp agency, but I was told that the position had the opportunity to grow into a full-time position. Finally, after weeks of searching and countless resume submissions, I thought I'd found the right job.
The people were amazing. Though I'd only just started, everyone there treated me like I'd been there for years. All of them were pleasant and willing to help me out as I struggled through the training process. The work itself was even better; I was finally doing exactly what I liked - accounting. While some people find numbers and reports mind-numbing and tedious, I love them. It's what I'm good at. The last two weeks lifted my spirits more than they had been for a long time. But alas, it wasn't meant to be.
Late in the morning yesterday, I was approached by the accounting manager who informed me that, instead of hiring me, they were going to do an internal transfer. The individual they'd chosen, not surprisingly, had a degree. I won't lie; I was devastated. Here I was on cloud nine, feeling that everything was getting back to normal. But the cloud dissipated, and I fell back to earth - hard. I struggled to maintain my composure as she explained the situation to me, but the only thing going through my mind at that moment was "damn you". How could this have happened? I worked so hard the last two weeks, and learned every task they taught me. Even the woman who trained me told me again and again how well I was doing. Foolishly, I'd convinced myself that I had the job. To realize in that instant that it was all for naught was very upsetting.
The drive home last night was somber. I fought to keep my mind on the road as I weaved in and out through the incessant waves of traffic. I wondered what I'd done wrong. They saw everything of which I was capable, and still decided not to hire me. What was wrong with me? I hated to think that I wasn't good enough. I started having the self-doubts that I fought against so hard when I first lost my job. It's amazing how quickly a person regresses to their old habits when something bad happens. Kind of like trying to quit smoking...
My feelings then turned to anger. I was furious at this company for putting through so much. Two weeks I spent laboring at their facility, trying desperately to prove myself to them in the hopes that they'd want to hire me. Looking back, I could've spent those two weeks searching for a job that actually went somewhere. Before I took the position, there was another job opening in another town for which I was waiting for a call back from the temp agency. They'd already sent my resume. But when this opportunity came up, I jumped on it. I couldn't help but wonder what might have happened if I took that job instead. I guess I'll never know the answer to that question, because that job is no longer available.
Then there's the unemployment issue. After working for two weeks, my benefits are suspended. Going through the hassle of applying once was bad enough; now I have to do it again. And even worse, I have to wait the standard two-week period before I can get benefits again. On top of the mental and emotional blow of not getting the job, I now had financial concerns to worry about. Of course, I always worry about that, especially on such a small income afforded by unemployment, but now I have to plan ahead to survive through that period again.
I vented my frustrations on Facebook for a while, and even punched a couple walls in my apartment, leaving a bit of a dent in one of them. (Nice, there goes part of my security deposit.) I felt useless again, like I was once again a statistic and could make no contribution with my life. It may sound extreme, but those who've been through unemployment know what I mean. I have to work if I'm going to feel whole, whether it's for a company or for myself. The novelty of being home all day by myself has worn off fast. Some days I just leave the house and walk for hours, just so I don't have to sit there pondering about the uncertainty of my future. For a while last evening, I hated my life, and I hated myself. My brief shining moment had ended, and I was back at square one.
But after several hours of venting, cursing, and feeling hateful and rejected, something changed. I don't know if it was the pills I'm on, or the good advice of my friends on Facebook and texting me on my phone, but I realized that this is just another learning experience. It's a difficult one, to say the least, but sometimes necessary. I can't always have everything I want. No one goes through their entire life constantly winning. I have to lose once in a while, no matter how hard or painful it might be.
I also know that just because it was a good job for me, it doesn't mean it was the best job for me. Maybe God had to give me a little taste of what's out there, not so I could start working right away, but to renew my search and assure me that I'm on the right track. I do still like accounting, and after this two-week refresher, I'm even more certain of it, and I'm convinced to try even harder to find the right place for me - if it's even possible to try harder; I've been a resume-sending machine!
I'm not really sure if anything in life goes 100% as planned. Bumps and hiccups, setbacks and disappointments, failures and frustrations - they're all a part of life. But as I've been told by countless people, it's how we deal with those situations that makes us who we are. I'm still figuring that out as well, but I do know what I'm not - I'm not a quitter. I'm not going to be a victim of circumstance and believe that my life is decided by the events around me. If I want to be happy, only I can make it happen, and sitting on my backside lamenting over the disappointments in my life just won't get it done. I'm better than that. I'm stronger than that.
Ok, time to start applying for jobs again. Either that or write my next English paper. Nah, looking for a job is still more fun than that.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Who's Really to Blame?
In the current economy, people seem unwilling to accept responsibility for their own actions. Almost no other issue proves this more than sub-prime mortgages and the resulting housing crash.
Political ads on television are repeatedly pointing the finger at candidates and their involvement in sub-prime mortgages. In truth, these individuals do have a responsibility to consumers which they neglected. They knew these loans were being given to unqualified persons. For that, they definitely played a key role in the fall of our economy. However, those who accepted these loans and bought these houses are also at fault, and no one seems willing to admit that.
While searching for an apartment three years ago, the options seemed endless. Beautiful three-bedroom, two-bath domiciles with the latest technology and appliances, new carpeting, stylish furnishings, patios and decks suitable for Trump-esque parties - there were so many to choose from. I was quickly drawn in by the lure of smooth-talking real estate agents and overzealous landlords who couldn't wait for me to sign their leases, and during the initial stages of my search, I was almost convinced that I could afford one of these apartment "mansions". But I had something that it seems many other so-called "victims" of the housing market don't have: common sense.
Maybe ten minutes. That's all it took for me to sit down and analyze my financial situation. How much did I make, how much were my regular expenses, and how much did the apartments cost? Simple, straightforward questions. It didn't take a genius to figure out that most of these residences were WAY out of my league. So, I did what I believe other people need to learn; I settled for what I could afford. I didn't need oakwood cabinets and marble counter tops. I didn't need three bedrooms when I lived by myself. Vaulted ceilings and designer amenities were well beyond my means. I needed a place to live, comfortably and affordably. And guess what? I found it. Even now that I'm unemployed, I'm still able to support myself, though I've cut back on a few luxuries to do so. And more importantly, I didn't let someone else talk me into a decision that wasn't in my best interest. So, back to my point.
Of all these people that want to blame politicians and bad business practices for their current situation, how many of them take the time to consider what mistakes they made? Did any of them sit down and ask themselves those questions I posed earlier? There are far too many home buyers who just can't afford the house they've chosen. Period. Why do people insist on living beyond their means? As human beings, we all want the finer things in life, but if they're simply out of our reach, we have to accept it as reality. Entering into an agreement you know is not in your best financial interest is foolish and idiotic.
Of course, according to the media, we can't expect these people to shoulder the blame for their own poor decisions. No, it's the banks, mortgage brokers, real estate agents, and government. Yes, as I mentioned, those people did have a part in this. Assuming they had a basic understanding of budgets and finances, they should've known that some of these individuals weren't able to afford the homes they were buying. In my opinion, disregarding that knowledge is immoral and unscrupulous. However, why is no one pointing the finger at the consumers? If they bought these homes knowing they were too expensive, are they really victims, as the media and politicians would have us believe? I tend to think not. They are just as guilty as the people who talked them into it, but there lies another issue.
Salespeople can be very tricky and convincing, but it is up to us as consumers to know what we can and can't afford, and act accordingly. If you allow someone to trick you into a deal that is detrimental to you, and it falls apart, it's just as much your own responsibility. But no one wants to say that. "It's not your fault; they tricked you." Well, you can only be fooled if you allow it to happen. While I haven't purchased a home, I have made wrong decisions under the advisement and smooth-talk of other people, and I've payed the consequences for it. But I'm not about to place all the blame on those people; I allowed myself to be duped. I don't expect compensation for someone else's misdeeds when I'm the fool who fell for their act, and I don't expect my friends, family, the government, or any other authoritative body to save me from my own stupidity.
Now, that being said, there are certainly people who've suffered unfortunate and unexpected occurrences in their lives: families that have lost the main bread-winner due to death or other tragedies, insanely high medical bills due to unforeseen illness, losing jobs. Those people may very well have been living within their means, and are now forced into foreclosures or evictions because their financial status changed so drastically. I can't fault all these people for something that is beyond their control. But these people, honestly, are the victims of life in general, not necessarily victims of the housing crisis; they may be in these positions even if the economy was doing well. Even in these unfortunate circumstances, however, I wonder what these people are doing to reassess and change their lives based on their new budgets.
When I lost my job a little over a month ago, my first decision was to start cutting back. No more expanded cable, no more long distance phone line, no more eating out every day, even something as simple as writing on both sides of a paper instead of just scratching a single line on one side and throwing out the paper later. I knew my situation had changed, and I had to change with it. I don't doubt that many of the victims I mentioned earlier have made some changes, but how much and how many? If you have a satellite cable bill that costs you $200 a month when you can get expanded basic cable for $50 a month, do you really have a reason to complain about not being able to pay your mortgage? If you take your family to dinner every night of the week - and let's face it, these days that adds up fast - should you be moaning about how much your rent is? Tragedy strikes all of us at some point in life, and adjusting to it afterward is difficult, but that's life, isn't it? Yes, it SUCKS sometimes, but blaming society or big business for your situation, and waiting for them to fix it, will get nowhere. I know it's not easy; I've been through it before, and am dealing with it now. But I've made the tough decisions and cutbacks that were necessary to survive. Those who have made those decisions and sacrifices and are still struggling have my sympathy. Those who insist on living "high on the hog", despite their inability to do so financially, have my contempt.
When we make a bad choice, it's human nature to not want to admit fault. We want to think that we're more intelligent than that, and that any bad things that happen are the result of someone else's actions. The sub-prime mortgage crisis (and the recent campaign ads) are a good example. But we also have to accept our responsibility to ourselves. We can't purchase homes and condos that we know are well out of our range. We can't allow ourselves to be tricked by unscrupulous salespeople. We can't have our financial situation change, and expect our standard of living won't change with it. Buying a home is perhaps the biggest investment decision a person or family can make. It can't be done overnight or without careful analysis of one's finances. The economy is bad, really bad. There are real victims of the economy out there. But I don't place all the blame on politics and business; I also blame the individuals who didn't use their common sense in the beginning, before any of this happened. They, too, had a part in making their lives what they are now, and they need to accept responsibility for it.
Political ads on television are repeatedly pointing the finger at candidates and their involvement in sub-prime mortgages. In truth, these individuals do have a responsibility to consumers which they neglected. They knew these loans were being given to unqualified persons. For that, they definitely played a key role in the fall of our economy. However, those who accepted these loans and bought these houses are also at fault, and no one seems willing to admit that.
While searching for an apartment three years ago, the options seemed endless. Beautiful three-bedroom, two-bath domiciles with the latest technology and appliances, new carpeting, stylish furnishings, patios and decks suitable for Trump-esque parties - there were so many to choose from. I was quickly drawn in by the lure of smooth-talking real estate agents and overzealous landlords who couldn't wait for me to sign their leases, and during the initial stages of my search, I was almost convinced that I could afford one of these apartment "mansions". But I had something that it seems many other so-called "victims" of the housing market don't have: common sense.
Maybe ten minutes. That's all it took for me to sit down and analyze my financial situation. How much did I make, how much were my regular expenses, and how much did the apartments cost? Simple, straightforward questions. It didn't take a genius to figure out that most of these residences were WAY out of my league. So, I did what I believe other people need to learn; I settled for what I could afford. I didn't need oakwood cabinets and marble counter tops. I didn't need three bedrooms when I lived by myself. Vaulted ceilings and designer amenities were well beyond my means. I needed a place to live, comfortably and affordably. And guess what? I found it. Even now that I'm unemployed, I'm still able to support myself, though I've cut back on a few luxuries to do so. And more importantly, I didn't let someone else talk me into a decision that wasn't in my best interest. So, back to my point.
Of all these people that want to blame politicians and bad business practices for their current situation, how many of them take the time to consider what mistakes they made? Did any of them sit down and ask themselves those questions I posed earlier? There are far too many home buyers who just can't afford the house they've chosen. Period. Why do people insist on living beyond their means? As human beings, we all want the finer things in life, but if they're simply out of our reach, we have to accept it as reality. Entering into an agreement you know is not in your best financial interest is foolish and idiotic.
Of course, according to the media, we can't expect these people to shoulder the blame for their own poor decisions. No, it's the banks, mortgage brokers, real estate agents, and government. Yes, as I mentioned, those people did have a part in this. Assuming they had a basic understanding of budgets and finances, they should've known that some of these individuals weren't able to afford the homes they were buying. In my opinion, disregarding that knowledge is immoral and unscrupulous. However, why is no one pointing the finger at the consumers? If they bought these homes knowing they were too expensive, are they really victims, as the media and politicians would have us believe? I tend to think not. They are just as guilty as the people who talked them into it, but there lies another issue.
Salespeople can be very tricky and convincing, but it is up to us as consumers to know what we can and can't afford, and act accordingly. If you allow someone to trick you into a deal that is detrimental to you, and it falls apart, it's just as much your own responsibility. But no one wants to say that. "It's not your fault; they tricked you." Well, you can only be fooled if you allow it to happen. While I haven't purchased a home, I have made wrong decisions under the advisement and smooth-talk of other people, and I've payed the consequences for it. But I'm not about to place all the blame on those people; I allowed myself to be duped. I don't expect compensation for someone else's misdeeds when I'm the fool who fell for their act, and I don't expect my friends, family, the government, or any other authoritative body to save me from my own stupidity.
Now, that being said, there are certainly people who've suffered unfortunate and unexpected occurrences in their lives: families that have lost the main bread-winner due to death or other tragedies, insanely high medical bills due to unforeseen illness, losing jobs. Those people may very well have been living within their means, and are now forced into foreclosures or evictions because their financial status changed so drastically. I can't fault all these people for something that is beyond their control. But these people, honestly, are the victims of life in general, not necessarily victims of the housing crisis; they may be in these positions even if the economy was doing well. Even in these unfortunate circumstances, however, I wonder what these people are doing to reassess and change their lives based on their new budgets.
When I lost my job a little over a month ago, my first decision was to start cutting back. No more expanded cable, no more long distance phone line, no more eating out every day, even something as simple as writing on both sides of a paper instead of just scratching a single line on one side and throwing out the paper later. I knew my situation had changed, and I had to change with it. I don't doubt that many of the victims I mentioned earlier have made some changes, but how much and how many? If you have a satellite cable bill that costs you $200 a month when you can get expanded basic cable for $50 a month, do you really have a reason to complain about not being able to pay your mortgage? If you take your family to dinner every night of the week - and let's face it, these days that adds up fast - should you be moaning about how much your rent is? Tragedy strikes all of us at some point in life, and adjusting to it afterward is difficult, but that's life, isn't it? Yes, it SUCKS sometimes, but blaming society or big business for your situation, and waiting for them to fix it, will get nowhere. I know it's not easy; I've been through it before, and am dealing with it now. But I've made the tough decisions and cutbacks that were necessary to survive. Those who have made those decisions and sacrifices and are still struggling have my sympathy. Those who insist on living "high on the hog", despite their inability to do so financially, have my contempt.
When we make a bad choice, it's human nature to not want to admit fault. We want to think that we're more intelligent than that, and that any bad things that happen are the result of someone else's actions. The sub-prime mortgage crisis (and the recent campaign ads) are a good example. But we also have to accept our responsibility to ourselves. We can't purchase homes and condos that we know are well out of our range. We can't allow ourselves to be tricked by unscrupulous salespeople. We can't have our financial situation change, and expect our standard of living won't change with it. Buying a home is perhaps the biggest investment decision a person or family can make. It can't be done overnight or without careful analysis of one's finances. The economy is bad, really bad. There are real victims of the economy out there. But I don't place all the blame on politics and business; I also blame the individuals who didn't use their common sense in the beginning, before any of this happened. They, too, had a part in making their lives what they are now, and they need to accept responsibility for it.
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