Before a star collapses, it swells up to several times its normal size, then in a massive explosion, it's reduced to a black hole, devoid of all matter and light. That's kind of how I felt yesterday.
For the last two weeks, I've been working. It was a great feeling; being back in the workforce made me feel alive again. It was through a temp agency, but I was told that the position had the opportunity to grow into a full-time position. Finally, after weeks of searching and countless resume submissions, I thought I'd found the right job.
The people were amazing. Though I'd only just started, everyone there treated me like I'd been there for years. All of them were pleasant and willing to help me out as I struggled through the training process. The work itself was even better; I was finally doing exactly what I liked - accounting. While some people find numbers and reports mind-numbing and tedious, I love them. It's what I'm good at. The last two weeks lifted my spirits more than they had been for a long time. But alas, it wasn't meant to be.
Late in the morning yesterday, I was approached by the accounting manager who informed me that, instead of hiring me, they were going to do an internal transfer. The individual they'd chosen, not surprisingly, had a degree. I won't lie; I was devastated. Here I was on cloud nine, feeling that everything was getting back to normal. But the cloud dissipated, and I fell back to earth - hard. I struggled to maintain my composure as she explained the situation to me, but the only thing going through my mind at that moment was "damn you". How could this have happened? I worked so hard the last two weeks, and learned every task they taught me. Even the woman who trained me told me again and again how well I was doing. Foolishly, I'd convinced myself that I had the job. To realize in that instant that it was all for naught was very upsetting.
The drive home last night was somber. I fought to keep my mind on the road as I weaved in and out through the incessant waves of traffic. I wondered what I'd done wrong. They saw everything of which I was capable, and still decided not to hire me. What was wrong with me? I hated to think that I wasn't good enough. I started having the self-doubts that I fought against so hard when I first lost my job. It's amazing how quickly a person regresses to their old habits when something bad happens. Kind of like trying to quit smoking...
My feelings then turned to anger. I was furious at this company for putting through so much. Two weeks I spent laboring at their facility, trying desperately to prove myself to them in the hopes that they'd want to hire me. Looking back, I could've spent those two weeks searching for a job that actually went somewhere. Before I took the position, there was another job opening in another town for which I was waiting for a call back from the temp agency. They'd already sent my resume. But when this opportunity came up, I jumped on it. I couldn't help but wonder what might have happened if I took that job instead. I guess I'll never know the answer to that question, because that job is no longer available.
Then there's the unemployment issue. After working for two weeks, my benefits are suspended. Going through the hassle of applying once was bad enough; now I have to do it again. And even worse, I have to wait the standard two-week period before I can get benefits again. On top of the mental and emotional blow of not getting the job, I now had financial concerns to worry about. Of course, I always worry about that, especially on such a small income afforded by unemployment, but now I have to plan ahead to survive through that period again.
I vented my frustrations on Facebook for a while, and even punched a couple walls in my apartment, leaving a bit of a dent in one of them. (Nice, there goes part of my security deposit.) I felt useless again, like I was once again a statistic and could make no contribution with my life. It may sound extreme, but those who've been through unemployment know what I mean. I have to work if I'm going to feel whole, whether it's for a company or for myself. The novelty of being home all day by myself has worn off fast. Some days I just leave the house and walk for hours, just so I don't have to sit there pondering about the uncertainty of my future. For a while last evening, I hated my life, and I hated myself. My brief shining moment had ended, and I was back at square one.
But after several hours of venting, cursing, and feeling hateful and rejected, something changed. I don't know if it was the pills I'm on, or the good advice of my friends on Facebook and texting me on my phone, but I realized that this is just another learning experience. It's a difficult one, to say the least, but sometimes necessary. I can't always have everything I want. No one goes through their entire life constantly winning. I have to lose once in a while, no matter how hard or painful it might be.
I also know that just because it was a good job for me, it doesn't mean it was the best job for me. Maybe God had to give me a little taste of what's out there, not so I could start working right away, but to renew my search and assure me that I'm on the right track. I do still like accounting, and after this two-week refresher, I'm even more certain of it, and I'm convinced to try even harder to find the right place for me - if it's even possible to try harder; I've been a resume-sending machine!
I'm not really sure if anything in life goes 100% as planned. Bumps and hiccups, setbacks and disappointments, failures and frustrations - they're all a part of life. But as I've been told by countless people, it's how we deal with those situations that makes us who we are. I'm still figuring that out as well, but I do know what I'm not - I'm not a quitter. I'm not going to be a victim of circumstance and believe that my life is decided by the events around me. If I want to be happy, only I can make it happen, and sitting on my backside lamenting over the disappointments in my life just won't get it done. I'm better than that. I'm stronger than that.
Ok, time to start applying for jobs again. Either that or write my next English paper. Nah, looking for a job is still more fun than that.
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